I have a story…
Can I share it?
“You can,” they say…”but it’s not the one they want to hear.”
For the past few years, I have been trying to find an outlet through which to share my experience of living with Anorexia with a larger audience. I’ve contacted Eating Disorder support organizations, schools and volunteer groups in the hopes of finding speaking opportunities. I am always met with compassion and well-wishes, followed by a polite decline.
“Our audiences really want to hear from someone that has recovered from their Eating Disorder. Best of luck in your own recovery; contact us again when you are recovered. THEN we can talk!”
Oh…
Don’t get me wrong. I completely understand the need for heroes and role models who have beaten their illnesses. There is no greater source of hope than someone who has recovered. They are like unicorns, mesmerizing in their beauty and strength, whose superpower is to help us believe, if only for a moment, that recovery is possible. Theirs are the stories that inspire us to dust ourselves off and try again, to reach higher and push further.
The flip side of these stories are the tales of those who lost their battles. Stories that horrify and frighten. They too have a purpose. They ignite the fighting spirit and can literally power the journey toward health.
And then there are stories like mine. People for whom the jury is still out. People who live in a perpetual state of eating disorder purgatory, moving forward and stepping back, dancing with the illness and the scale, desperately waiting for the music to stop.
Mine is not a story of recovery. It will not inspire or give hope. I am not a role model. I’ve not slayed any dragons; and there is no badge of honour on my lapel. BUT, it is a cautionary tale; one that could be used to promote the importance of early treatment.
For a variety of reasons, I lived with Anorexia for 17 years before seeking treatment. 17 years…that is a long time for patterns to form, for behaviours to become entrenched in one’s day to day. I lived with the illness for so long that it has fused with my entire persona, to the point where I don’t know where the illness ends and where I begin.
I never prioritized my recovery because I didn’t think it was important. While I had highs and lows, I never stopped being fully functional. “I could have it all,” I thought – a life AND Anorexia. I didn’t realize then that the longer I put off treatment, the harder it would be to recover.
Eating disorders are dangerous illnesses – from which it can take years to recover. To have a fighting chance, early treatment is key. In fact, literature suggests that after three years with the illness, recovery becomes increasingly more difficult.
And here is where my story comes in. I can look into the eyes of parents who think school should come ahead of recovery and tell them to reprioritize. I can hold the gaze of someone who is delaying treatment until things get really bad and whisper… “Don’t wait.” Because, while I may not know what being recovered is, I know first-hand how hard it is to get there the longer you wait.
So…I have a story.
Anyone interested?
gladiatorin4inchheels.com 
I will read your story with interest and try to understand without judgement. I won’t offer any advice – how could I? If any dialogue happens….? Dan
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This , I believe is my daughter , so please 🙏 please share your story with me ….
From a mom whom loves her very much but feels lost at times ….xo
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I am so sorry to hear that your daughter (and you) are going through this. If ever you want to offline, feel free to email me at c_peikert@hotmail.com.
I stumbled into anorexia when I graduated University. I decided I wanted to lose a few pounds. Nothing major and I wanted to do it safely by reducing my calorie intake. It started innocently but quickly became about eating fewer calories day by day. It was all about “besting” my previous day’s calorie performance. I had always been an insecure overachiever who had used grades to as a performance indicator. There are no weekly grades in the workplace so I felt lost…until I found the calorie counting. THIS became the way I got through each day – set a harder and harder target to achieve and improve it each day.
My sister had been anorexic in her teens so I knew the signs. I went to my doctor early on and she told me not to label myself. She sent me to a therapist who had no training in eating disorders. We did 2 sessions together…not once did we talk about my eating. I left thinking I was fine.
WIthin a few months, I had lost 30 lbs on my initially petite frame. I wore children’s clothes, worked non-stop and ate little.
2 years in, after a particularly lonely period, I allowed myself to eat…only to discover I couldn’t stop. Thus began a year-long cycle of bingeing for days and then fasting for days. I lived on Diet Coke and rice cakes one week, then everything in sight the next.
Eventually, I found a way to keep the eating disorder under control – enough to pretend to be “normal”. Still, I did a constant mental tally of calories consumed to ensure my weight stayed stable. I lived like this for years until I had my first born – which triggered a relapse which became unsustainable after 6 years. Only THEN did I seek treatment (after living with the illness in varying degrees for 17 years).
I have done 2 intensive treatments, 2 semi-intensive and a myriad of groups and individual therapy. And, while my physical health is stable, the eating disorder has been classified as severe and enduring.
Would my story be any different if I had gotten treatment earlier? I’ll never know but the literature does suggest it.
I don’t know your daughter’s story but if she can access treatment, I strongly advise it. IF she does not want it, I’m happy to talk to her. Or to you…this cannot be easy momma! This is an illness that is beyond hard to explain or understand. It takes away the light and can render your loved one into an unrecognizable person. I’ve lied, manipulated, fought and withdrawn…all to “protect” my illness.
It’s not you..it’s the illness. It’s not her…it’s the illness
Email anytime….
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