Being Different

Recently, it was suggested to me that I was uncomfortable with my own vulnerability.

My first reaction was: “who isn’t? This is why we buy Brene Brown’s books, isn’t it?” But after that thought, I started to get defensive. Afterall, I live in a perpetual state of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I’ve written a book, I publish a Blog and I share my experience with Anorexia fairly easily. Would I do that if I was uncomfortable with being vulnerable?

“How do you feel when you share these experiences with others?”

Ah…the dreaded “how does that make you feel?” therapist question.

I wasn’t quite sure where this discussion was going so I remained silent, pensive. I have spent a lifetime cutting myself off from my emotions…so much so that I often compare myself to a robot because I literally feel nothing most of the time. I am not a robot, of course. I feel many things deeply but I am so disconnected from my emotions that numb is the only thing I can identify.

My therapist pressed on.

“Do you feel vulnerable when you write or talk about your struggles with Anorexia, anxiety, depression and mental health?”

The answer was a resounding no. To be honest, up until that point, I never gave it a second thought. Talking about my most difficult and shameful moments didn’t make me feel exposed – it made me feel purposeful. I was doing a job – creating awareness about important mental health issues. Essentially, I was in “go” mode – with no room for emotions.

Ah…maybe I do have an issue with truly being vulnerable.

Looking back at my Blog, I see now that while I share things in an uncensored fashion, I allow my eternal optimism to frame things. I tend to end things in a positive and upbeat fashion to avoid people worrying about me and to avoid bringing others down. If I frame things in a positive light, the takeaways become hope and strength.

I am not being false in my writing. Not in the least. It is just a reflection of how I react to feeling vulnerable: I channel my fighting spirit to bounce back, I take action…anything to change my emotions from the negative to the positive.

So today I am going to try something different. I am going to do what I always do: share what I am living openly and honestly. But, there will be no “I got this” message at the end. Not because I feel hopeless or am giving up. Far from it. Still, I am going to allow myself to be vulnerable and stop there, sitting with my vulnerability instead of distracting myself with my upbeat attitude.

The truth is that I am struggling to accept an undeniable fact. I can’t be like everyone else when it comes to food and I likely never will. My Anorexia, anxiety and propensity for depression create limitations that I don’t want to accept. I don’t want to be different; I want to be able to do everything your average person can do…and, if I’m honest….more. For so long, being able to surpass the average drove me, defined me and was woven into my personal brand, my sense of self. And now, I have to not only admit this is no longer the case but I also have to ask for accommodation of my limitations.

As I write this, I am cringing, hiding my face as though the people around me can suddenly see this fact. I am ashamed and want to backtrack from my last statement, claiming to anyone that will listen that I can overcome this. I can overcome my illness and be just like everyone else. All it takes is will, courage and strength, right?

Hmmm…I know from past experience that trying to behave like I don’t have a mental illness doesn’t work. In fact, it feeds into the illness, allowing it to grow its stronghold on my mind.

So here are a few truths I am working on accepting:

• I will likely have wake up every morning and take a pill to keep my anxious and depressive thoughts at bay. It does not make me weak. Just like a diabetic who has to take insulin, I have to take my medication to be able to thrive and see all the beauty in the world.
• I cannot drink alcohol. I have tried every type and every amount and sadly one drop of alcohol interacts badly with my medication, leaving me completely off the next day.
• I cannot skip a meal…any meal. Even if I am surrounded by people who are as stressed and busy as I am that they don’t make the time to eat. I cannot be like them. Even if I want to. All it takes is skipping one meal to undo weeks and months of conditioning.
• I have to follow a routine and an established meal plan right now. Yes it makes me feel awkward and stifled – eating at specific hours and specific meals – but my brain needs me to repeat the same healthy behaviours over and over again. So, I have to cut meetings short that run over the lunch hour because the minute I ignore my hunger – no matter the reason – my Anorexia wakes up.
• I cannot travel right now. Ouff, this one is particularly hard because it means I have to ask for help as it affects my ability to do my job. I fought this one a lot yesterday. But, I have seen first hand over the past week how my illness will find every opportunity to write a new way of behaving in the absence of a healthy routine.

I have not accepted these realities. I don’t want to because then it will make things real and I will have to do something about it. I will have to ask others to accept that I am different. Most difficult of all, I have to come to terms with the fact that I have limitations that affect my life – and I have to do this without self-judgement, shame or fear of disappointing others. These are things I don’t want to do…things I don’t know how to do.

And worst of all, I have to find a way to accept these truths and feel the feelings they bring up without doing THE thing I always do when things get tough – RUN. No, I don’t run away physically…well, not often. Rather, I shut off emotionally and focus solely on keeping things running in my life. And that is what I have done in the past few weeks as I started to realize some of the things listed above. I shut off emotionally – my super power – and, without admitting it to myself, I started restricting. The scale doesn’t lie.

I may have the tattoo…but I have not yet accepted my own Mantra when it comes to myself. Now I have to sit with it…