RULES

From a very young age, we learn that our world is made up of rules. First, we learn basic safety guidelines (“don’t put that in your mouth”); then we start to grasp the rules of the household (“no hitting!!”, “sharing is caring,” “no boys until you are 30!”).

Laws, codes of conduct, ethics, social niceties, everywhere you turn, there are clear societal guidelines for our behavior.

I have mixed views when it comes to rules. While I see the purpose they serve and have a proven track record of following them in order to avoid trouble or conflict, I have been known to break one or two. I don’t do it often – only when I feel justified in contravening the norms. And, I’ll admit, it feels good when you disregard the rules. The adrenaline rush gives you a high that even I, rule-follower, sometimes crave.

Still, on the whole, I am a stickler for basic principles and guidelines – particularly when it comes to me; to my behavior.

This is itself is not really an issue. The problem is that I have a lot of rules and expectations for myself.

For example:

• Self-care allowed – IF everything gets done on time;
• Saying no is ok, but ONLY in dire circumstances;
• Going out is ok as long as I don’t miss more than one bedtime routine a week;
• Always make small talk to ensure everyone is at ease;
• Be careful, take risks, be grateful, be kind, don’t think too much, be present, be…..

The list is long and some rules contradict each other but one thing is constant: failure to live up to these expectations is unacceptable…for me. Others can do whatever they want, and I don’t judge…well…I try not to. But when it comes to disobeying the “laws” I have written for myself, I am the harshest judge, jury and executioner.

Still, I imagine most people have their own set of guiding principles for their behavior – a moral compass of sorts. So, I am not unique in this respect. However, I have a whole additional set of rules that pertain to eating:

• Avoid eating in front of others at the office;
• Never take lunch; always eat at your desk;
• No hot meals for lunch;
• You can only “eat out” once a day;
• Bacon OR pancakes, ice cream OR cake, potatoes OR
• And so on…

I had many more rules than these a few months ago. And I am doing a good job of removing all of these statements from my day-to-day thinking but, it is hard. In fact, it is one of the most difficult parts of ongoing recovery because now you are conscious of these rules and have to make a consistent effort to break them – going against years of conditioning .

I bet a part of you is thinking: “wow, this recovery process sounds pretty cool. You have to eat all kinds of yummy food AND you have to break rules too.” Sounds like every 6 year-old’s dream!

And there is some truth to this line of thinking. There are some days where your healthy self loves recovery; loves the fact that you are supposed to eat all the forbidden foods; loves the freedom that comes from being unshackled by the convoluted ideas in your mind.

But there are other days where your eating disorder voice is loud and strong and you have to face the internal battle between your inner angel (healthy self) and your inner devil (Anorexia).

This is exhausting.

And, still, you keep fighting because every time you break a food rule, you feel like walking on air. You feel free. This feeling rarely lasts; and is often followed by some level of guilt or shame. But, it is so powerful that you remember it and strive to feel it again the next time you face one.

Last week, I went out for sushi with one of my colleagues. For most people, this wouldn’t be a “thing.” But, for me, it was a big deal – especially since I suggested it. Going out for lunch is one of my biggest challenge because it means being away from the office for at least an hour, eating in front of others and focusing on something other that work.

And you know what? It was wonderful!

I had a great time; the food was delicious and no one batted an eyelid when I came back to the office after an hour lunch. An hour!

Now, I have not repeated this experience since, favoring the comfort of working alone at my desk while eating my lunch.  But, at least now I know I can do things differently without anything falling apart. And, now that I have broken a few of my food rules, the others are not too far away.

Pretty soon, I hope to say: The first rule of Peiky Club is there are NO rules.