Justice League

“It’s not your fault…”

I first saw Good Will Hunting over 2 decades ago and still remember the “It’s Not your Fault Scene.” It  was such a powerful moment that reflected the blame and burdens we carry and how hurtful these can be.

Early this week, I meet with a physician who specializes in Anorexia. We talked about my history with the illness – including my current, severe relapse.

“It’s not your fault Christina,” she said. “Anorexia is genetic which means that you were genetically predisposed to it. The gun was already loaded when you were born and life events simply pulled the trigger.”

“Oh I know…I learned that at the Douglas, but…”

She looked at me in the eye: “Christina, it’s not your fault….pause…it’s not your fault…it’s not your fault…”

Cue the Kleenex.

I have never blamed myself for falling into the initial Eating Disorder trap. It can sneak up on anyone. But, as I wiped my eyes in the doctor’s office, I realized that I have and continue to blame myself for the multiple relapses I have had, especially recently.

And, to be honest, I sometimes feel that others, without meaning to, blame me for not being able to change my behavior. “Just eat,” “you have to have dessert/protein/etc,” “we are here again?”…

I knew that long-term anorexia could chip away at your body and have long-term physical effects.  What I failed to truly grasp until this week was that it also had long-term effects on your brain. Persistent starvation not only starves your brain but it also alters you neurological functioning, making your brain more resistant to treatment.

As a result, what worked previously to reboot, often no longer works because the brain has changed since the last time.

“You need to approach your illness like any other chronic illness,” the doctor said to me. “If you had leukemia, would you blame yourself for a relapse? Would you tell yourself it was a mind-over-matter issue and think you could get better with medical treatment? Would you delay treatment because it was not a ‘good time’?”

Hmmm…all great questions… no matter the illness, knowing me, I would likely take a moment to debate all the pros/cons and timing/financial considerations. Still, even I had to admit that I was swayed by the stigma around mental illness being less “serious” than physical illness.

Still, the message eventually got through enough that I acknowledged I had to seriously think about treatment.

But the added challenge about chronic Anorexia is that the vital tool required to make informed decisions in your best interests is now hard-wired against recovery. A large part of my brain negatively perceives any decision that will help me stop the unhealthy behaviours as a threat – to its wiring and to the buzz it receives from the illness.

So now I have to rely on the healthy brains of others to help me and we all know that accepting help is a challenge for this self-proclaimed Wonder Woman.

Still, as any comic nerd would remind me, even Wonder Woman had the support of the Justice League.