BEAUTIFUL

« Beautiful! »

Yup, after a lot of interesting moments over the last 2 years, I finally look in the mirror and see beauty.

For the first time in a long time, maybe ever, I see myself as beautiful. Sure I see the imperfections, but I see beauty nonetheless.

But wait! Don’t organize a parade because there is a slight problem.

Whereas I see beauty, my medical team sees underweight.

Hmmm, there’s an unexpected dilemma.

What do you do when you have worked so hard to accept yourself and embrace who you are but it remains unhealthy? When you are finally comfortable in your own skin but your thoughts remain focused on restriction and remaining thin?

How do you push yourself to eat more when you firmly believe you are just right. Healthy or happy…that is the question…because both seem impossible.

If you are reading this, hoping for a magical and insightful answer, I am sorry to disappoint because I have nothing.

Every day that I look in the mirror and feel confident and beautiful feels like a gift. So, I have no idea what motivation could propel me to rock this fragile boat. 

Some say you have to keep gaining and learn to see beauty at each phase. To that I say a very dubious… « okay… »

I don’t believe it and I don’t want to. Honestly, I have no desire to trade this contentment for the uncertainty of weight  gain and self help.

The therapists say, you don’t know until you try and that worst case, I can always lose the weight if I am unhappy.

To that, I say: « bullshit! » The prospect of starvation is no longer an option for me and no medical professional should advocate it. 

Maybe it works for some but I refuse to use that as my plan B.

So instead, i wake up each day, look in the mirror and smile. And if it means I eat just enough to stay at this weight, i will take it…for now.

Cause god knows I have worked hard to get to this place and feeling beautiful is something I not not quite ready to gamble away.