PRIORITIES

“Stop for a minute…think about what you just said.”

I am sitting in my therapist’s office, curled up in a ball with my cow tuque on to keep warm. Uh oh…I think I’ve just said something “revealing”, something that will lead us to explore further.

I know this is why I dip into my shoe allowance to pay for therapy each week; to be challenged, to be called on my bullshit, to be forced to look at things I would prefer not seeing.

Still, there are times where I wish I had chosen my words a bit more carefully and stayed under the radar.

Ok, Doc, let’s do this.

“You just said that writing your blog is the thing you enjoy the most at the moment; why is it the first thing you are thinking of stopping in order to get things done?“

I blink. She blinks right back. This is just one of the numerous times so far in our sessions where I look at her like she is crazy and she waits for me to share what is going on in my head.

Isn’t it obvious? It is the least important thing on my list, the one thing that doesn’t actually need to be done for life to run smoothly. It is a “luxury”.

This leads to an in-depth discussion about why the thing that makes me most happy and fulfilled is the least important to me.

Huh!?

Later in the week, I am faced with a choice: take the shorter route to my destination or the warmer one. Without hesitation, I pick the fastest route. Efficiency over comfort, every time.

As I walk quickly in the freezing cold, it dawns on me. With few exceptions, I continually put efficiency, productivity, work, the well-being of others, etc ahead of my own comfort, needs and well-being.

Why? Because I don’t value myself as much as I value others.

I won’t pretend to be a saint. I have done things in my life that were epically selfish. In fact, ignorant people might even consider my persistent food restriction despite the harm it causes the people I love to be the ultimate selfish act. I know better…

That said, like many others, I tend to put myself on the bottom of the priority list simply because I view myself as less important. And this has led to some interesting rules to live by.

For example, my job is to ensure everything is taken care of before I can even consider doing anything else. I can only eat when I’ve earned it (either by accomplishing tasks or by waiting long enough). I can only miss one bedtime a week. I can only…if…

These are just a few examples of how my lack of self compassion and love manifests itself in my life.

I am not suggesting putting myself above others at all times. It is about balance. About putting the things that make me truly happy and healthy above some of the other things that matter much less in the grand scheme of things.

Let the laundry pile up once in a while, let others sleep at the office in hopes of getting the promotion, tell my kids no once in a while…

All so I can dance and sing with abandon, do some of the things I love, eat when I am hungry, listen to myself.

And keep blogging.