‘TIS THE SEASON

I’ve always loved Christmas. The carols, the decorations, seeing my family, the excitement around Santa, gifts and surprises, the random acts of kindness, oh and the downtime (from work and school).

The best thing about Christmas for me was our traditions: getting a new pair of Christmas pyjamas every year, using my artistic flair to decorate cookies (sprinkles, lots of sprinkles), driving around looking at the houses all lit up, and finding that perfect ornament to give as a gift.

While the holidays can be huge stress inducers for many, I’ve been lucky. I’ve never had to play hostess; I always start shopping early so I don’t have to set foot in a mall in December; and no one expects me to bake up a storm. All in all, holiday breaks have been relatively stress-free over the years…except when my eating disorder has been present. Hello, Christmas 2017.

We all have our challenges this time of year so I don’t pretend to have a unique claim to holiday stress or awkwardness. That said, a week of celebrating with food, treats and undertones of gluttony at the heart of most activities, well, it can make even Wonder Woman break into a sweat…or at the very least, a healthy sheen.

We all have people in our lives who, without meaning to, will make an unwelcome comment about our appearance or ask an inappropriate question. Sometimes you are gracious – “thanks, yup, I’ll send you my secret diet so you can tackle your New Year’s resolution to lose weight.”

Other times you use humour to deflect- “nope grandma, not going to the gym, just been having lots of sex. Burns lots of calories. You should try it.”

Even well-intentioned comments can have an undesired effect on a bad day.

“You look healthy.” Anorexic interpretation: you look fat.

“You look better.” Anorexic interpretation: omg, so fat.

“You look great.” Anorexic interpretation: yup…fat

“You are too thin”; “you’ve lost weight”. Anorexic interpretation: YES!!!!

So note to readers, since you are never sure what someone is dealing with regarding self image, keep the comments about appearance to yourselves…well…unless they are about shoes. I live off shoe compliments like I used to live off sugar.

I’ve been beyond open in this blog so, clearly, I don’t mind talking about my eating disorder if anyone asks. But, for those who keep their cards closer to their chests, holiday get-togethers and dinner conversations must trigger anxiety and feelings of being alone and misunderstood.

Then there is all the eating and drinking. When I was heavily into my eating disorder, it was almost easier. I was so rigid in my restriction and fearful of food that I was not tempted to eat and didn’t care what others thought. There was no battle being waged in my brain and I had no issue doing whatever it took to avoid eating. Now that I am in recovery, things are harder. I know I should eat, I am now tempted by the delicious food and being crafty feels inauthentic.

I can no longer hide behind ignorance.  And the expectations around my behaviours have changed. To be fair, no one has actually said they expect a new Christina to sit down at the table this year but, even if they don’t, I do. I’ve been taught all about the damage I am doing, I have been given the tools I need to just say yes to eating 6 times a day, so if I am acting the same as I did last year…well…I will be disappointed.

Needless to say, I am a bit apprehensive about the next week. It won’t be perfect and it won’t be easy. But Raffi Christmas is playing on my iPod, I’ve got my new Xmas pjs on and I’m ready to tackle whatever comes my way.