Mind Games

They say you can do anything you set your mind to.

Ok, so first of all, who is they? I’d like to have a talk with them. While I agree with the statement in general, I believe it oversimplifies things. Makes it seem easy. Puts the blame entirely on your shoulders if you do not achieve your goals. Oh, I see, my mind just didn’t want it badly enough! Silly mind!

What do you do if a large part of your mind is actively working against you? What if your mind wants to recover but is adamant you will not gain weight. Can you say, sorry brain, we need to break up because we want different things? It is not me, it is you?

As someone who has the impulse to walk away when things are not going well, it would be so great to be able to divorce myself from my brain, to drown it out…at least for a few days. But sadly, we have to learn to make it work. 

ED treatment is a process designed to help rewire the brain into thinking more clearly and having a more accurate picture of yourself so that your mind can propel you toward your recovery goals rather than try to sabotage it. I don’t remember what it is like to have all parts of my mind working in the same direction. But, I can imagine it is powerful. 

My mind has long been one of my greatest assets. It helped me achieve academically, and undoubtedly has helped me achieve my career goals. It has served me well in life. So to be at a point in my journey where I feel like my brain is an obstacle rather than a tool is hard to accept. 

Many say that you need to distance yourself from your illness;  see it as a separate entity that has become a part of you but that you didn’t chose. When it comes to me, I have a lot of trouble with this concept. Sure, the first time I fell in this hole, I was not to blame. It was a well hidden trench that came out of nowhere. But, after 18 years of having anorexia be a part of MY brain – despite having read books, received treatment, learned exactly what I need to do but still struggled to do it, well, I cannot really point the finger at anyone or anything else. I control my mind…Don’t I?

Some people will read this and have a strong reaction. I imagine some will think “exactly! Why can’t you set your mind to eating, to gaining weight? Aren’t you tired of all this?” (Um…yes!)

Others who have lived this will likely think I am talking rubbish. Because they know. They know…

it just isn’t quite that simple. If it were, well, none of us would be here. We are all a fairly intelligent bunch, we would have kicked this long ago. And yet we fall, get back up, fall again, rise again…all while doing exceptional things such as find ourselves, impact others and add a much needed dose of compassion to the world.

This week, I missed my weight target so I am leaving the Day Program/Hospital. And while I may not have completed the program, I am proud of everything I accomplished. I completed 7 weeks, that’s four weeks more than the first time. I reached my own personal target goal of xx lbs. And, I leave here stronger and richer than I have ever been. I’m not turning my back on recovery…not at all. I am just going down a different road but I am well surrounded and I will keep at it. 

Growth and healing are not linear and not always overtly visible but just like that hole that snuck up on me 18 years ago, recovery and major breakthroughs have a way of surprising you – as long as you keep at it.

So come on mind, we have more work to do.