SEDUCTION

Go slow…Trust me…It will feel sooooo good…You know you want to… I know just what you need…yeah…

And just like that, it has you: Anorexia!

What? Did you think I was talking about something else?

 

“At least 30 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the U.S.”[1]

I am by no means an expert, but over the last 9 months, I’ve learned that every person has a story about why and how they became anorexic. For me, what started as a way of achieving and feeling in control eventually turned into a quest to be thin.

Anorexia has long been my temptress. We fell into bed 16 years ago and have had an on-again/off-again relationship ever since. When life was going pretty well and I felt I was living up to my high expectations, we’d have an occasional booty call but I could largely ignore it. But in times of great insecurity and emotional stress, I could not get enough of sweet, sweet restriction.

“Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.”[2]

It started off innocently enough. I watched what I ate, cut a few “naughty” foods from my diet, skipped a meal here or there. At first, I felt in control and powerful. Then…before I realised what was happening, the very thing I had used to help me feel like I had a handle on things took over. I was in the grips of the disorder. And even though it occasionally loosened its hold on me, it never left my side.

My “first time” was in my early 20s. I had my heart broken, graduated, got my first job and moved out on my own – all within the span of 6 months. I found myself with new friends, disposable income and a whole new social life. Cooking for myself, going out for dinner and drinks led to my clothes becoming a little tight. I started counting calories in the hopes of losing 5 lbs. But, always looking for a target to overachieve, to get my A+, I started each day aiming for a lower caloric intake than the day before. Soon, I was surviving on 900 calories a day. I snapped at everyone that tried to help. I ran away to live in London. I went down to 70lbs. After about 18 months, I added bulimia to the mix – starving for days and then eating bags of groceries in a matter of minutes, then starving for days…on and on. My weight ballooned to 120 lbs, I quit my job, moved back to Canada, and generally hated myself. It wasn’t until I moved in with my now husband that I found my balance. Until…

I got pregnant. The pressure to eat well for the baby was strong. But, from the very first pound I gained, I was planning my return to pre-baby weight. I was so proud of being back in my regular jeans within 2 weeks of giving birth. But I struggled with breast feeding, had a mild case of post-partum depression and generally felt out of my depth most of the time. I felt like I was failing at being a mom so I turned to being successful at restricting my food intake. At least then I could feel good about something. I found my footing as a mom and then as a working mom and 90lbs became my new happy weight. Lily came and things kept ticking along. I had no idea my disorder was back – even though I now restricted daily (either in terms of what or how much I ate).

Then came the latest chapter. Changes happened at work and by the time I realised I was unhappy, it was too late. I was eating far less, was not sleeping and was making rash decisions in an attempt to regain a sense of control over my life. I went off work, stopped eating altogether, went back to work after a month, living on pure adrenaline, and then crashed. This time, anorexia hit me hard. There was no resisting its allure and we fused into one.

In a span of weeks, I went from seeing myself as too thin, to thinking I looked good to wanting to lose a few more pounds. It didn’t matter if my clothes didn’t fit anymore – although I did pause when my shoes got too big – or that my hair started to fall out or that I was cold all the time. All that mattered was the comfort I felt from not eating. If I ate too much, I could feel my skin stretching as my body expanded, could see my reflection widen. If I got on the scale and my weight was stable, my reflection would shrink before my eyes. Magic!!

The anorexic mind plays all kinds of tricks, morphs and evolves as you start the refeeding process, sabotages the new habits you try hard to form. Many people said to me: “why don’t you just eat?” I wish it were that simple. But the problem with the anorexic mind is that it is a part of you. And the battle for recovery is so hard because you are constantly fighting yourself.

Today, I am taking an important step toward the front lines. I am going back to Day Therapy at the Douglas Eating Disorder Clinic for up to 16 weeks. It won’t be easy.

But, I’ve got my yellow stilettos on and this gladiator is ready for battle.

 

Resources for Eating Disorder support: http://cliniquebaca.com/ ; https://anebquebec.com/ ; http://www.douglas.qc.ca/section/eating-disorders-146?locale=en

 

[1] Biological Psychiatry (2007).

[2] Current Psychiatry reports (2012).