It has been a challenging week – starting the Day program and re-learning to balance home life with program requirements. I wish I could say I strode into the Douglas confidently on Tuesday. But, turns out my yellow shoes are still too big. Instead, I hobbled my way up the road with my snowman blanket – for comfort – in one hand and my “C” (for Christina) coffee mug – for tea – in the other. Not quite the entrance I had planned but there it is.
Day treatment takes place in a house on the Douglas campus. It is run by the eating disorder clinic and takes place 4 days a week, from 9:30-3:30. Length of your stay in the program varies, but it is generally 12 or 16 weeks. Currently, we are a group of 15 women. We spend the week learning about nutrition, eating disorders and related topics, as well as doing group therapy, mindfulness exercises and learning different techniques to identify and manage emotions. Many of us have spent years ignoring our emotions and numbing ourselves that the thawing process can feel foreign and out of character…and can bring on a sudden flood of feelings. We also do chores: we cook together, we do the dishes, we clean, etc. And so, we bicker, we get impatient with each other, like any family.
Every day, we are given a snack in the morning, lunch – with dessert – and a snack in the afternoon. We are expected to eat everything we are given. Very few exceptions are made and are only allowed if they are on your approved food aversion list. You are only allowed 3 food items on your list so Picky Peiky has to eat things she does not like…at all. If you cannot eat all of your meal, you have to have a meal replacement instead. I’m proud to say, I have only had one Boost this week…Ugh…Spinach-Ricotta Lasagna, I curse you. I can only ever eat half the portion.
House rules are strict. No picking at your food, eat everything on your plate, drink a glass of milk filled to the rim (oh yes, they measure) with every meal. Bathrooms are locked form the moment we sit down to eat until 30 minutes after the meal is completed. The first time around, I saw these rules as an affront to our independence and as borderline barbaric. But here is the thing. People with eating disorders can be excellent con artists. We have many tricks to “protect” ourselves and our disorder. From diluting your milk with water, to hiding things in napkins, to saying you ate a big meal before you came, you name it, I’m certain it has been tried. We do this, not because we are evil liars. We do it out of extreme fear and anxiety – fear of gaining weight, fear of life without our eating disorder, fear of food itself.
Last time, I saw inflexibility and prison walls. Now, with a very different mindset, I see the purpose of the rules and I see caring and flexibility. Funny how things change with a new lens. And, just like the rules have purpose, so too does the program. Obviously it helps you gain weight – you get a red flag is you don’t gain a pound a week and 3 flags, you’re out. It also helps you learn tools needed to manage your destructive urges, allows you to learn and grow from others so you feel less alone but, most importantly, it teaches you to just be – to live, to embrace the beauty within but also all around you.
Yesterday, after a day of tears and conflict, we ended our afternoon walking alone around the grounds. Our mission was to see, hear, feel the leaves on the ground. There I was, eyes closed, listening to the leaves rustling as I walked through them in my 4-inch pink stilettos – which kept getting stuck in the grass – just me, the squirrel and the creepy guy on the bench. Smiling.
Bring on week 2.
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