Note: This is probably the most raw post I have written in a while. I did not write it for the blog. I did not put a lot of thought into it. I just sat down and let the emotions take over and sent it to my therapist when I was feeling overwhelmed. I have left it intact…grammar issues and all. Of course, I don’t feel this way at all today but I think it is an accurate glimpse of how my brain works at times.
I am writing and sending this because I know this feeling will pass. By the time of our session on Thursday, I won’t even remember this moment – that is how good I am at erasing my feelings.
In the hour it has taken me to be able to sit down and write, the level of despair I was feeling has already started to fade…as though a wave of “Suck it up” has washed over me and I can no longer connect to the feeling…it is a bit like when you wake up from a vivid dream…in those few moments after becoming conscious, everything feels so real, so strong.
Sometimes I try to go back to sleep and get back into that dream only to find that my brain can’t quite grab onto the thoughts and feelings…it is as though it is just out of reach. A ghost of a feeling…
That is how I feel right now. Like the passion, the thoughts and the feelings are lingering but not clear enough for me to connect to them. My protective shell has already taken over and, as much as I feel the after shocks of the moment, I can no longer tap into the panic I felt an hour ago.
Was it panic? I can’t remember now. I only remember a sense of overwhelm, like when you are about to faint and you look up at the ceiling and all you can see is the world swimming and swirling above you. I remember thinking: THIS…THIS IS HOW I FEEL. Passionate, angry, frustrated. It made so much sense in that moment, like I was having an epiphany and my manifesto was being composed in my head….
Anyway, while I can no longer connect at all to the feelings I had. I do remember the thoughts. So here they are…as random as they came to me.
The last few days have been tough. Like really tough…well, not comparatively to many; but in my mind, it has been tough. Nothing is going as I planned…not my weight…not my mission to break free from the desire to rewrite history…not my plan to love myself and be compassionate and stay in the moment…not my plan to figure out what I want to do next professionally.
Things not going to plan never seem to phase me. Not for long, at least. I usually pick myself up, come up with a revised plan and throw myself at it. This is what I did this morning…while doing errands at Walmart, my head swirling with thoughts (you gained weight WHEN you were restricting! you lost everything you had at Bombardier!! your life is garbage!!!…) and I felt a moment of calm as my new plan took shape. A slew of to-dos merged in front of my mind and I felt everything go quiet. “Yes…that is what I will do.” And I felt great…strong…ready to keep moving.
It wasn’t until I was watching Netflix later in the day when I heard a line that stopped me dead in my tracks.
“It is so hard having to try so hard all the time.”
…yes it is…..
And this is where things actually went wrong. Not only did I feel a moment of pure empathy for the character I was watching…(I know you…) which was painful, I also felt completely hopeless.
Why?
Because I don’t know how to try less… I have been going to therapy for years, reading self help books, working at this for what feels like a lifetime. Stop trying and just sit with it. How many times have you told me this? How many times have I told myself this?
I just don’t know HOW. And I don’t think I ever will. Shifting into planning mode is my default. It comes to me as naturally as breathing. To stop doing it feels impossible. But even more impossible is to do anything else. I don’t even understand how. I cannot visualize it, I cannot imagine it. It is not like seeing something in your mind and trying to replicate it…adjusting as you go. I. HAVE. NO. IDEA. WHERE. TO START. I really don’t. I cannot get my head around it. It is foreign…and I cannot watch anyone else do it and try to copy. I literally have nothing when it comes to this.
STOP!!!! Sit with it…do nothing…seriously??? That is like suggesting I start breathing with my ears. I cannot compute. I am not trying to be difficult or stupid. I honestly just don’t understand how to sit with something and not come up with a plan. I don’t know how to function that way. What do I do?
…and this is when my brain tells me that the only way to stop coming up with a plan in order to keep going is to no longer keep going.
Don’t worry, I am safe. Unlike in the past, when my suicidal ideas came with an emotional certainty, today it is more of a hollow realization…one that has me simply concluding that the peace I seek will never be attained, not for me, because – while I cannot change how I am, I also cannot take my own life.
So…I guess I will just have to keep trying really hard.
gladiatorin4inchheels.com 