Atonement

“Forgive, sounds good

Forget, I’m not sure I could

They say time heals everything

But I’m still waiting”

– Dixie Chicks

Forgiveness has never been difficult for me. As a conflict-avoiding people pleaser, I have always found it easier to forgive and move on than to hold a grudge. In the fight-flight-freeze reactionary model, running has always been my first instinct. So letting others off the hook and removing any source of conflict in my life has long been my preferred Mode of Operation.

While a great plan in theory, the truth is that this way of being does not work quite so well in daily life.

First, blind forgiveness – in order to avoid messy emotions and unpleasant discussions – doesn’t work. It requires a great deal of denial and often requires choking back hurt, anger and feelings of betrayal.

If I have learned anything in the past few years, it is that pushing your emotions away rather than dealing with them comes at a price. Running from your feelings often leads to substance abuse, depression, self-harm, eating disorders and many other mental health issues.

A long history of avoidance is what brought me to a breaking point a few years ago; and it continues to be an obstacle to my wellness and eating disorder recovery. Working on staying in the present, sitting with my feelings and expressing them in a healthy way remains a big part of my journey. It is slow and extremely difficult work, to be honest. And I am probably only able to stay still and feel my feelings about 25% of the time. Hmmm. Actually, probably less than that.

This is the crux of the work I need to do now. As much as I hate to admit it, this means that  things will have to get messier before they can truly get better. I can feel mild panic rise just thinking about it – before I quickly shut the feeling down. Sigh…this will not be easy.

Blind forgiveness is problematic for another reason. When you operate under the mode of brushing things aside to keep the peace, you don’t actually learn how to forgive. Sure, you go through the motions of turning the page but you don’t actually live the process. You are merely sleep-walking through it.

So now I have a new challenge. Learn to forgive the one person – who I not only expect the most from but who has also let me down more than anyone else I know.

Myself.

While attempting to qualify for disability insurance recently, I was forced to recount everything that has happened to me health-wise in the past few years. Seeing it all on paper, a chronology of bad decisions and desperate acts, threw me. A wave of shame washed over me and continues to ebb and flow at my feet. Memories of driving myself to the Douglas Emergency room because I was suicidal; spending days in a Crisis Center because I didn’t trust myself to stay safe; telling lies and saying hurtful things; trying to rewrite the past as I spiralled out of control; relapsing again and again…..

These memories haunt me. They shame me because they reflect a person that I don’t recognize, a person I am embarrassed by, a person I refuse to accept : a vulnerable, imperfect person who has done things that dramatically conflict with the person I thought I was.

And so begins the next chapter in my story: self-acceptance and forgiveness – acknowledging that I am human and recognizing that being imperfect is truth for everyone rather than a disappointment for me.

If you know me, you won’t be surprised to learn that I have already googled books on the topic. They will help, at least at bit.

But they will only pave the way for the real work – which needs to be done with the heart – not the mind.