Faulty Wiring

I may have to quit LinkedIn. It is something I have been toying with for a few years – ever since I first took a professional step back to focus on my health.

Up until then, work had been my biggest priority – despite the many other things in my life that warranted more of my attention. I was completely unbalanced, stumbling through life with my phone fused to my hand at all times and my mind always on work.

And, I loved it…

I felt great about my achievements, my professional title, the prestige of my work – and of course, about my weight. You know the rest. Life happened. I made the wrong professional decision and accepted a role that no one cared about in the large machine I worked for, sending me – who longed to be important, who had grown emotionally attached to being a top executive’s #2 – into a tailspin of invisibility.

Then my reprogramming began. Suddenly, the thing I had neglected for decades came sharply into focus: “hello me”. Slowly, I started to better understand what I truly needed and my priorities started to shift. I put myself first to ensure my survival and discovered that I was a pretty cool person. I found joy again and became a better version of myself. I became a better mother – a role I had hidden from because I felt completely out of my depth – choosing instead to throw myself into my proven role of professional overachiever.

The past few years have been a tipsy-turvy journey of self-discovery, emotional reconnection and moving forward…and back…and forward again.

Which brings me back to LinkedIn. As much as I have transformed in the past few years, I still get upset when I feel others are performing at a faster rate, when others are moving up, while I am standing still. This feeling usually triggers moments of panic.

“Do something! Get a promotion! Go back to Bombardier!!!” I scream to myself. Usually, the feeling is short-lived and I remember that these things do not define me. But I remain shaken.

So why do I still, after everything, still have this reaction to my perceived stagnation?

I blame faulty wiring.

For all sorts of reasons, I have been firmly conditioned to measure my worth by 2 things: my achievements and what other people think.

To be clear, I do not measure anyone else by these things. I know that people are far more accurately defined by their heart and by what they bring to the universe. On a deeper level, I also know that I should not tally my worth – regardless of the criteria used – but rather embrace and accept who I am. I am not a sum to be added up and compared.

But the wiring in my brain runs so deep that it has taken me years just to fully understand my ways of thinking. It will take a lot more to permanently change them.

Positive signs of change are there – if I look hard enough. Whereas I could only ever hear a singular voice telling me where I fell short in the past – particularly with respect to my mental health and my professional status – I now find myself making decisions that put my growth, happiness and well-being ahead of my achievements. And, even though these decisions sometimes cause me severe embarrassment when my old ways of defining success kick in, I know I’ll keep making them.

Because, however scary it may be and whatever shame is triggered, putting myself ahead of all the other things I thought mattered – for the sake of the things that actually do matter – is worth it.