Doppelganger

Something strange has been happening recently. I look the same (for the most part); my voice sounds the same; I drive the same car and wear the same clothes; but something is different. Many things are, in fact. To be honest, I barely recognize myself lately.

Here are a few cases in point.

1. I went on vacation for 2 weeks and did not check my work email – something I have only done one other time in my 20-year career – on my honeymoon. I won’t lie. The first day was tough but I decided to try something new. I turned off my email notifications and suddenly felt my urge to check-in disappear. Without seeing the number of unread messages grow day after day, my anxiety vanished – leaving nothing but peace and inner calm.
2. Not only do I tolerate silence these days, but I actually seek it out. I can now sit in the sun, eyes closed, listening to the crickets and feel good – comforted, even. Sometimes I am able to relax to the point where I fall asleep. This has never been me. The ticker tape in my head and my to-do lists have always kept me on the move – making naps not only difficult but also great sources of personal shame.
3. I can finally be in the present moment. Years ago, my mentor threw a bread roll at me during a team dinner because I was distracted by my phone. “Look around you, Christina,” he said. “These are amazing people, connecting together. Focus on what is in front of you.” It took me several years of therapy and 3 outpatient treatment programs to finally understand what he meant. Now, I can go for a walk, and truly notice things – the contours of the clouds in the sky, bunnies on the road, and flowers in the garden. Everything seems brighter and sharper because I am no longer distracted by my thoughts. I look up and around, rather than into my phone or on the ground while deep in thought.
4. I can leave things unfinished – like dishes in the sink. The first time I tried this, it was hard walking away from a task. But it got easier. Now, I sometimes leave a few in the sink overnight. And, if Charles comes down in the morning and starts washing them while I have my first few sips of coffee, I no longer feel guilty or think that I am a disappointment as a wife.
5. I can finally give myself a bit of grace when I feel tired or anxious – putting my needs first instead of trying to measure up to the person I expect myself to be –perfect, a fixer, a machine, a doting mother, a Rockstar employee, etc…

All of these changes seem to have happened overnight. When I first noticed them a few weeks ago, I was troubled. Who am I? Who is this relaxed person – who doesn’t define herself by the check marks on her to-do list? Am I less of person if I am ok with doing less? Have I given up if I wear jogging pants on a weekend?

“No,” I decide. I base this answer, not on my expectations of myself but rather on how this new me feels: lighter and happier.

So, I am healthier, happier and more balanced. And still I cannot celebrate fully.

Why?

I cannot chalk this new me up as a win because, despite all these positive changes, one thing remains unmoved. My eating disorder “voice” remains as strong and as loud as ever.

Shit…

There are 2 things they don’t tell you about eating disorder recovery.

1. The final few pounds of weight restoration bring about a shame never felt before. You become haunted by a pervasive negative body image. It follows you everywhere and brings you down – triggering feelings of depression that petrify you because you know first-hand where these feelings can lead. In my case, these feelings were so unbearable that I turned to mild restriction and shed a few pounds…just so that I could feel like I could breathe again. This came at a price, of course. It meant that, after 3 glorious weeks without a single thought or urge to eat less, the ongoing internal dialogue about food and the consistent undercurrent of hunger swept back in. Now, instead of carrying around my body shame with me, I carry around constant thoughts of limiting my food intake. On the one hand, I feel a huge amount of relief at not hating my body. On the other, I know that a life with restriction in it is not living – it is merely getting through the day. And I want better….
2. Recovery does not always mean living a life free of ED thoughts and urges. Apparently, these thoughts and the anorexic voice don’t always go away. For some, recovery means that you reach a point where you hear the eating disorder thoughts but your healthy self is simply stronger and can overcome the urges.  When my nutritionist told me this, I balked. Really???? That is my fate – a lifetime of battling my inner urges? THIS is what I have been working toward? I want more!!! I’m out!

Faced with these two realities, it has been hard not to feel discouraged. But after a lot of reflection, I am able to see progress. First, I have been able to keep my weight stable and not engage in a trend of increasing restriction and weight loss.  Second, I feel satisfied with my body at 95Lbs, something that was unthinkable 18 months ago when I was 75 lbs – freaked out when my weight increased by a single pound. I cling to these facts as proof that I have been moving forward.

The journey ahead may be much longer than I expected. But, when I look back, I see a long runway behind me. And that keeps me going.