Awesome

“I’m awesome!”

I don’t think I’ve ever said that before, certainly not when speaking seriously. Afterall, it is an immodest statement and I have long found boasting to be ill-mannered. More importantly, I’ve never believed the statement to be true.

Except…

Blame it on age or my recent in-depth recovery work but…recently…I have actually started to accept it as fact. Not always…no, I still have a few layers of false perceptions, unrealistic personal expectations and self-loathing to tackle. But every once in a while, the thought does cross my mind and I no longer dismiss it as ludicrous.

It usually happens when I am driving for long stretches. My mind wanders as I sit in traffic or cruise along the highway, often leading to periodic self-assessments in my head. I guess it is no coincidence that the thought is top of mind after spending a week driving back and forth to the Clinic.

In the past, my on-the-road personal reflections consisted mainly of a running tally of my short-comings, failures and recent disappointments – with an occasional positive thought popping up. But, recently, there has been a shift in balance between the positives and negatives. Now, I often find myself doing a tally of all the great things about me. The first time this happened, I was surprised at how long the list was. I have often struggled to find at least one nice thing to say about myself.

And yet, I find myself enlightened at this very moment.

So at the risk of sounding conceited, I will admit that I am pretty cool.  Smart, funny, sometimes wise, compassionate, kind, authentic, quirky, and charismatic, I am a good business leader, a considerate friend, a wonderful mother, a hard worker and a generous partner. I care deeply, I chase my dreams and I tend to make people feel better rather than worse. I can do a wicked cartwheel, sing my heart out without making anyone wince, heat up the dance floor and bake well enough to make my father proud. I am strong, I am determined, I am resilient and I am a good role model for my girls (despite the many lessons I pass on in a “do as I say, not as I do” kind of way). And, I am not bad looking either.

When I put that list together not long ago, I shocked myself. I’d never seen myself as this person – choosing only to see my downsides instead.

Why did I insist on doing this to myself?

Ah…well, because I held on to this incorrect myth that something was wrong with me. From the first time in Gym class when I was not picked first (ok that may have happened a lot), I have long believed that others being picked before me meant I was not good enough. Every time a BFF replaced me, every time a lover chose someone else instead of me, every time a role was given to a colleague instead of me…I was profoundly wounded. Quite literally, I thought I sucked as a friend, partner and person. And, I started to only see things that reinforced this view that I was not good enough.

So what’s changed? I’m not really sure. Maybe I am just opening my eyes to a few new cues and getting used to them, allowing them to wash over me in a positive ray of light. Maybe I have finally realized that those who did not pick me simply missed out (I am actually a master dodge ball player…like a ninja) or maybe I am just accepting who I am and choosing to focus on the cool stuff about me for once.

So yeah…I am awesome.

It feels wrong to say it. But it feels so good to believe it!