Insanity

Some define insanity as the act of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Sane or not, I am guilty of doing just that – whether it be in the kitchen, in love, in my professional life and, of course, with my eating disorder. Why do I keep falling into this pattern? It is simple. I have a deep-rooted belief that I can achieve anything if I just work hard enough and want it bad enough.

This belief, in itself, is quite positive. There is nothing wrong with having faith in yourself. Grit, optimism and dedication are key to making our greatest dreams a reality. But, even the greatest heroes have to admit that they don’t always have the answers and that they cannot always do it alone.

The last 3 Christmases have been tough…really tough. The pattern always went as follows: I would feel stressed, a chaos of emotions would ensue – triggering my eating disorder as a coping mechanism, and I would start to spiral. And, each year, by March/April, I would be in a hospital emergency room, a crisis center or, this most recent time, in intensive treatment for anorexia, unsure if I would survive (a slight, ever so slight, dramatization).

Oh…

The first time this happened, I did not see the signs. I felt I was struggling and saw my old restriction patterns emerge but I told myself it was just a phase. The following year, back in a similar place, things felt familiar but I told myself I could snap out of it based on the recovery work I had done. Last year, I chastised myself for being back in the same place and tried to tough love myself into action. Afterall, at that point, I was not only aware of what I was doing but I also had so many healthy coping mechanisms for my eating disorder in my tickle trunk.

Each and every time, pride and shame prevented me from saying anything. And each and every time, I tackled my relapse in the same way, hiding my struggles and allowing things to snowball from a small setback to a major backslide. Same action, same outcome, and the cycle continued.

Well, it may have taken three times to learn my lesson but as I enter a fourth Christmas with the sultry voice of Anorexia whispering seductively in my ear, I am happy to say: “not this time.”

This year, rather than keep quiet, silently telling myself that I can snap out of it on my own, only to wind up in a very bad place, I am trying something different. I am opening up about how I am doing and I am seeking support.

For the next week, I will be spending my days at the Clinic – balancing a life of proper meals, therapy AND work. I will eat, process, work, eat, process, work, then eat and process. 3 meals, 3 therapy sessions, with hours of typing away on my laptop in between. I have never done this – blend work and recovery together fully. I have always swayed between full speed work and full speed recovery. I am fortunate enough to work for an organization and seek treatment at a centre that will allow me to do this.

It likely will not be perfect and, I have no doubt it will be stressful – not enough hours to get the work done, eating meals that have started to scare me again, committing to therapy to address the real stuff I am feeling. Whoah…just writing about it is giving me a few palpitations. But, I know I need to give it a try…because doing what I have always done will simply end with the same results: a new rock bottom. And, as much as I want to believe I can do it on my own, I have to accept my limitations. Hard to say that without cringing…

I won’t lie. I am carrying around a blanket of shame and disappointment that my eating disorder grew stronger again this year “on my watch.” But, I am not allowing myself to be weighed down too much by these feelings. No, the shame is balanced out by pride. Pride that I am strong enough to say: not again, no more, I want something different; pride that I am putting my health ahead of my desire to earn a shiny star at work; pride at knowing deep down, that I will not wind up in crisis in April; pride in knowing that I am better and will continue to get better; and pride in knowing that I am surrounded by people who are in my corner.

Start chilling the Champagne, 2020 will be a year of different, and that is something to celebrate