STAY OR GO?

I had a rough night.

I slept with Zoe in her bed and, while it started off as the best arrangement for all, it soon became a less than optimal situation. Zoe has as much energy in her sleep as she does in her day. I am not sure what she dreams about but I am pretty sure it involves a lot of activity. She is all legs on high speed. She kicks, she digs and she suffocates with her legs of steel. I know this from experience, and yet, I always go into it with a hope that things will be different.

So…last night, on several occasions, I found myself awakened by my daughter as her subconscious had her running a marathon. I kept telling myself I should move, go back to my bed, but for some reason I stayed right where I was.

And, as I lay there, the seeds of reflection were sown.

When I woke up, exhausted, having been kicked for what felt like the millionth time, I asked myself.

“Why on earth did you stay? Why didn’t you leave your unpleasant situation and improve your odds of a good night’s sleep?”

And this got me thinking about life and its far more significant circumstances.

Many of us do the very thing I did last night on a much larger scale in our lives. Whether it be staying in an unhappy relationship, in a job we hate or in an unfulfilling friendship, many people choose to endure an unpleasant situation rather than take action.

There are a multitude of reasons we do this: fear, hope, denial, shame, comfort and a desire for simplicity.

We stay because we are afraid of being worse off if we leave; we stay because we hope things will improve; we stay because we remind ourselves of all the positives in order to be able to deny the negatives; we stay because of the shame we feel related to things not working out; we stay because of the comfort of the familiar; and, we stay because leaving can make things messy.

Of course, I am simplifying. But on the whole this rings true. It rang true for me last night as I debated about getting out of my warm bed – reluctant to move for fear of being wide awake for hours if I woke from my half-slumber as I walked across the hall.

And it rings true to me as I contemplate the next steps of my recovery.

Currently, I am faced with a bit of a setback – which I am assured is normal. This isn’t the first time I have faced this. In fact, I have found myself in a similar space the past 2 Decembers. I get worn down after months of trying to balance recovery and work. This, coupled with my fear of the holiday festivities and meals – and resulting weight gain – lowered my defenses against the voice inside my head that urges me to restrict my food intake.

In the past, I have stayed in this mindset – with its associated behaviours. I would say nothing…do nothing, hoping that I could simply power through and things would improve. I would deny – to myself and anyone that noticed – that things were getting worse. I would stay silent about my struggles out of shame. And, I would tell myself that doing something about my mental health would be complicated. It would involve disrupting my work and personal life,  and it would incur costs.

But, just like I knew what the outcome would be  if I stayed with Zoe last night, so too do I know now what the outcome will be if I do what I have always done – try to fix it on my own…with no disruption to my life.

So, this December will be different. I am not just going to write about my current situation. I am going to take a chance and try doing something about it. It is hard to leave the comfort of the current – afterall, I have been in this place many times before and I know it well.

Ah…but this is precisely why I have to make a change…because I know exactly what will happen if I leave things as they are. The unpleasantness will not change…well…not for the better. It will get worse and my eating disorder will grow stronger. Pretending that things will be different would be foolish on my part.

So…I know what I am going to do about my current situation.

What about you?