I love puzzles; old-fashioned, 1000-piece puzzles. They relax me, they help quiet my overactive mind and they give me a sense of satisfaction as I turn a jumble of pieces into a completed picture. And of course, they teach me patience – something which does not always come naturally to me.
No matter what type of puzzle I am doing, there is always at least one moment when I put two pieces together, convinced they fit, only to find that they don’t quite align. Sometimes I try to force them together; others, I sit there turning the pieces around and around each other in the hopes of magically creating a match. When this happens, I usually find myself confused. They look like they fit together. The patterns are the same, the shapes look complementary and yet something is off. I usually move from confused to frustrated – having to walk away so I can come back with fresh eyes and find new pieces that connect.
If you think about, people are very much like puzzle pieces.
Our experiences, our personalities, our values, our needs and our desires color and shape us. And, just like in the situation above, sometimes, people that seem similar don’t always work well together.
Recently, I have found myself wondering about this, asking myself why people can be so complementary and yet don’t quite click – whether it be at the office, at home, in a family or in any other social setting.
I think the answer lies in the realm of needs. Afterall, we can share the same interests as someone and have similar personality traits, but if our needs do not align, we can find ourselves miles apart.
I used to think that I had to be liked by everyone; that I had to change myself to fit others. I believed it was my fault when things didn’t click and that it was up to me to mold myself to the preferences of the people around me. Now though, I realize that fault does not come into play here.
No one is to blame for having needs which don’t fit with those of others. The puzzle pieces simply do not align. And that is ok, because they each have their matches somewhere in the box. Alter one piece to fit the other and the whole thing falls apart.
I won’t lie, I have always been uncomfortable with wanting things – feeling selfish and even shameful. My first instinct in the past has always been to berate myself for: 1- having needs in the first place and 2- having requirements that go beyond what a specific person can meet (be it a friend, a parent, a boss, you name it). I was petrified of being seen as …(shudder)…”needy”.
But, what I am working on every day is to recognize and accept that the issue is not with me or with my needs. My wants are not excessive or wrong; they are merely not for everyone.
Of course, life consists of compromise. We cannot always get what we need, exactly when we need it. However, it is important to know when to stand firm and be true to the things you value which are simply non-negotiable.
This is an important lesson because when you try to change who you are to fit in and to be liked, you begin to compromise yourself for the sake of others. This is dangerous because when you do that, you lose yourself and start to unravel. It slowly eats you up inside and you eventually wind up hating yourself and resenting others. Not a recipe for a healthy self.
This ties in very well with setting and respecting boundaries for oneself – something I am working on quite a bit during my recovery journey. I am learning that I should not apologize for wanting things; or convince myself that I need to accept less than what I truly need. Outside of resisting restriction in my eating, recognizing and respecting my needs is my most difficult challenge.
So, I won’t abandon puzzles. They bring me so much. But, I will stop trying to make myself fit others and let my life’s puzzle take the shape I need it to.
gladiatorin4inchheels.com 