BEAUTY

“Can I ask you a question.”

“Sure,” I replied.

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah…I’m ok.” My standard response.

“Really? You don’t sound ok.”

A few years ago, during a period where I was knocked down by depression, this dialogue played out with a nurse who was entrusted with my care. I broke down when she saw through my fragile façade. That is when she gave me a prescription that changed the way I view the world…not at first, but definitely over the course of the past 3 years.

She told me to go to a park, to a museum, to an art gallery…anywhere that would remind me that there was beauty in the world.

At the time, I thought she was out of her mind. I was lost. I could barely get through a day without sobbing at least once and the thought of going out to do anything other than basic chores was completely absurd to me. The world was made of shades of grey – my life playing out before me like an old black and white tv show. How on earth could I see beauty when my world no longer had any color?

I couldn’t. And I didn’t…even when people pointed out great things in front of me. I felt nothing.

I’m not sure when things changed for me. I assume it happened gradually as people helped me dig myself out of the dark space I found myself in. But, to be honest, if I noticed the change, I didn’t register it.

Until now.

Over the past two months, I have found myself being stopped in my tracks by the wonders around me. I notice things now…many things; and I find myself appreciating them in a way I never did. To tell the truth, I don’t think I actually noticed these things at all before – my head buzzing with thoughts, to-do lists and anxious feelings while my eyes glazed over.

What colors my world these days and makes my spirits soar?

Lots of things: The leaves changing color; the beauty of the pink evening sky as I drive home after a tough session at the Clinic; a homecooked meal that reminds me of the sheer joy of eating; the sound of a child giggling; the delicious first sip of my coffee in the morning; and the way a song makes me smile. Everywhere I look, I see beauty.

I see what I couldn’t.

I am different now.

I bask in someone’s loving look rather than look away; I feel the joy of what is there rather than what is missing; and I feel comfort rather than shame when I am vulnerable.

And, I don’t just notice these small wonders; I seek them out. I will set my alarm earlier to watch the sunrise or put my phone away to focus solely on listening to my girls play.

Am I being too Pollyanna – all unicorns and butterflies? I don’t think so. I know the world is not all sunshine and rainbows. My senses still take in the bad and the ugly – same as they always did. The difference is the magnitude I give to them.

Do I see beauty in the world? You bet I do…starting with my reflection in the mirror.

Oh how things have changed.