Deep Breaths

Some days adulting can be hard. The same can be said for parenting. Luckily, there seems to be an awakening around these facts, with a proliferation of blogs, books, workshops and memes popping up.

At the same time, lots of attention is currently being brought to the fact that “kid-ing” is hard. Whereas my biggest worry as a kid at recess was losing at dodgeball, today’s “school yards” are minefields of bullying, pressure to perform, anxiety, learning difficulties, etc.

And, again, the amount of advice out there for parents to support their children through these tough issues is extensive.

So help is out there. Sifting through it and finding what works for you remains a challenge but, still, we have support.

But there is a specific area that I don’t see written about very often. What do you do when you are struggling to keep things together just as your child turns to you with their own struggles? How do you help your child manage their anxiety when you are living with high levels of anxiety yourself?

Parenting an anxious child when you are battling anxiety is tough…for a variety of reasons:

• When your anxiety levels are high, issues that pop up seem heightened…tinged with a glow of the dramatic. You are using trick from your tickle trunk to cope with what your anxious thoughts and feelings and then BOOM, something new pops up and causes it to spike;
• It is heart breaking because you know exactly what your child is feeling. You don’t just sympathize, you empathize – fully. You feel their pain and fear and internal chaos in a way that only a person who lives it themselves can;
• You feel especially helpless because you have struggled to learn various ways of coping with anxiety but passing them on to your child is difficult. Sure, you can give them tips and tricks but it is unrealistic to expect them to remember to put them into practice when they are crippled by their worries and deep-rooted fears. Afterall, it is hard enough to remember them as an adult;
• You catastrophize – double-time – because worrying is not only part of the parent job and it is par for the course with your anxiety. Suddenly, you have visions of your child’s life being filled with the most dramatic and far-fetched hardships;  and

• You feel guilty, asking yourself constantly if you caused their anxiety – either through genetics or role modelling.

Lily has recently developed noticeable anxiety. We saw signs at a young age. First, she was afraid of thunder storms…not atypical so we didn’t worry. Then it was the wind and animals. It has since grown to include a variety of worries and concerns. Even worse, her anxiety is starting to manifest itself through her body. Tummy aches are a daily issue and requests for reassuring cuddles are so numerous that it feels like she is permanently attached to me.

I’ll admit, her behavior puzzled me at first. Most of the time, she is outgoing, confident and assertive. She is a sassy, attention-seeking performer who makes friends easily and keeps everyone entertained. For example, she is sitting beside me now singing “everybody loves culottes.”

I had not anticipated how quickly she could switch from the life-of-the-party to the cowering figure in the corner. I have since learned that old or young, anxiety can turn you into a very different person when it takes over. No matter your age, how you appear to the world isn’t always an accurate picture of how you feel inside.

After much reflection and discussion, we started seeing a specialist with Lily. We talked about it as a family because Zoe is often witness to her little sister’s anxious behavior. Some days, she is baffled by her sister’s hysterics and finds refuge in the quiet of her room.  Others, she does her utmost to soothe her genetic BFF.  I sometimes worry she too will be impacted by this but all I can do for now is talk to her about it and watch her. Yet another thing that has me on high alert.

At first, I worried Lily would not want to go see the specialist or that she would be embarrassed. She surprised me. I guess shame really is a learned-construct…one that does yet seem to appear in her rule-book. She happily goes to her sessions and is incredibly proud of what she accomplishes.

Progress is slow and I sometimes ask myself if we are doing the right thing. But, I remind myself that if she needed physio for an injured limb, I would not question the speed of her rehabilitation. Small progress is still progress….I know this better than most.

So we keep going, we keep breathing and we keep experimenting with different ways to cope with anxiety…Lily’s AND mine.