Lenses

Warning: Objects in your mirror are more beautiful than they appear.

Mirrors can be faulty. Visit a funhouse or look in your car’s side mirror, and it is obvious. When you encounter these flawed perspectives, you discount them, knowing they do not represent reality. But in other cases, particularly when human perception is involved, things are not quite so clear.

Human beings are fallible. No matter how open minded we are, we are susceptible to seeing things through a variety of lenses. Halo effects, biases and distortions surround us, color our views daily and affect how we see how others. Even more importantly, they affect our own self-perceptions – for better or worse.

At times, we view ourselves as greater than we truly are. We are over confident and lack an accurate level of self-awareness. And, while an inflated sense of self has its potential downsides (disappointment, alienation of others to name a few), there is nothing more damaging than viewing ourselves too harshly.

When I was in intensive treatment for Anorexia, I started to realize just how harmful my negative self-perceptions have been in my life. And, when I looked around and listened to the people in treatment with me, I started to realize that I was not alone.

Turns out that, like me, lots of people see themselves as ugly, bad, incompetent and inferior. When things go wrong, they blame themselves and reinforce their own negative views of themselves. When things go well, it is always down to others or simply to dumb luck.

I think that many people assume we minimize the positive we bring to the world. But I disagree. You cannot minimize something you don’t even know exists. Rather, I believe we see ourselves and the world we create around us with significant blind spots, forming inaccurate pictures of who we truly are and of how others see us.

Week after week in treatment, I would find myself saying to the strong, beautiful, intelligent women around me: “I wish you could see yourself as I see you.” They echoed those sentiments right back.

So, why do we do this?  Why do we create images of ourselves that don’t do ourselves justice? Why do we tear ourselves down with our own eyes to the point that we no longer see things as they are?

If I had all the answers to these questions, I would create a potion we could drink or a mirror that would ensure we saw the beauty and good that others see when they are with us.  Sadly I don’t.

What I do know is that somewhere along the way in our lives, we developed beliefs about ourselves. We all do. Some have pretty accurate truths about themselves. Others believe more greatness in themselves than exists (narcissists for one) and yet others believe they are not good enough. No matter the level of accuracy of your core beliefs, the human mind works the same for all of us. It selects events and information that reinforces these core truths and discounts or ignores the ones the run counter to them.

You believe you are a Rockstar and, magically, your brain records all instances where you rise above.

You believe you are less than… and, poof, your mind clings to every situation where you fell short as irrefutable proof that you are bad. The vicious cycle is never ending, and the pathways in your brain begin to form deep grooves in your mind, to the point where you draw conclusions about yourself in a matter of seconds.

In my case, I really believed I was a bad person, a monster, a perpetrator of harm to others. Forget a birthday- bad friend; feel intense anger at my child – monster; terminate an employee – horrible individual.

I explored the monster image a lot in treatment.

The good news  is that this pattern can be altered. Just like you can carve out new tracks in the snow, you can create new ways of thinking in your mind. But, it takes time and effort to create these treads in your brain and it is sometimes so tempting to follow your traditional, well-worn paths.

Still, it can be done. You just have to remain open to new data points in your life. If you look hard enough, you will find them.

And, sometimes, they are so obvious you cannot ignore them.

“You’re not a monster, mommy”, the girls said to me when I showed them a drawing I made of myself while at the Clinic.

“You don’t think so?” I asked with hopeful disbelief.

“Noooooo, you’re the best mommy” they giggled.

Hmmm…maybe they’re right. Maybe objects in my mirror and less scary than they appear.

What’s in your mirror?