Pomp and Circumstance

For many, graduation day is a mix of excitement, relief, pride and fear about what comes next: will I find a job? Will I marry the person I am with? Will I be happy? Will I screw it all up?

In my case, apart from a hint of disappointment around not being selected as valedictorian, graduation was a pretty relaxed – albeit looooooong – affair. I already had a job I loved, a signed lease, and a fantastic group of lifelong friends.

Everything seemed perfect.

Little did I know that a few months later, I would stumble on the road of life and find myself falling head first in the Quebec-sized pothole of anorexia.

Sadly, just like the craters that emerge on our roads every spring, the patchwork never seemed to do the trick permanently and I found myself repeatedly in the eating disorder ditch over the years.

Which brings me to my most recent graduation: completion of my 12-week stint at « food school. » Unlike in University, this one was different. I did not receive a diploma, there was no GPA and I did not wear a cap and gown.

But as proud as I was of my academic achievements in the past, this milestone is even more meaningful, for many reasons:

• the work was so much harder. I spent every day challenging myself, my fears and my beliefs. I fought, I cried, I shared and I dug deeper than I ever have. The work was physical (the painful effects of re-feeding your body are real) and emotional. I crawled into bed most nights;
• The lessons were more profound and the insights gained will impact my life going forward. Who knew people-pleasing was a « disease »? I do…now…and everything makes sense;
• It was impossible to ace a single assignment simply by studying. You could not dial it in; you had to show up, fully and completely, every day; and
• You have to keep going even after you complete the program – because recovery cannot happen in a mere 12 weeks, no matter how much of a superhero you are.

So now the training wheels are off and the ultimate test begins. Left alone, can I put into practice the lessons I’ve learned?

Yes!

And no…

Some moments will be easier and I will be so proud. Others will be more difficult and I will lose the fight with my ED thoughts.

What? You thought my anorexia voice wad gone?

Nope. Still here. But, and this is an important distinction, MY voice is now much stronger.

I will make mistakes. I will have setbacks. But I am far stronger now and have people to talk to when the ED wins. And I won’t beat myself up when I do…because I have learned that the best learning comes from the situations where I don’t listen to my voice. These are the moments when anorexia shows itself and we can better understand how my brain works – with understanding comes growth.

And so the learning continues.