SAFE

For many kids growing up, security “objects” play a key comforting role as they learn to navigate the sometimes daunting world out there. Linus from the Peanuts had his blanket, my Lily has my arm to hold, others have pacifiers, stuffed animals, toys, etc. No matter what the object, these things soothe our little ones and help them feel safe.

But what would happen if Linus lost his blanket, or my arm wasn’t there for Lily to hold onto, or all the pacifiers in the world disappeared?

Distraught children, frantic parents seeking to find the lost item, a tornado of emotions and fear would all enter the scene. The fear of losing something comforting is extremely powerful because it leads to a lot of questions about what will happen without it. Will the world crumble? Will emotions take over leading to chaos, suffering and pain? How will we survive? What will comfort us ever again? This uncertain can be paralyzing.

Hmmmm…not the prettiest of pictures.

I know I am not a child. I am a grown adult who will soon turn 41. I am too old pacifiers and stuffed toys. But, as it turns out, I have been holding on to my own type of security blanket – one which has become increasingly significant in my life this past year in order to manage life’s discomforts and wounds.

My body.

I have anxiety…more than I would care to admit. And I have turned to the size of my body for reassurance. Wake up in the morning stressed, no problem, I touch my flat stomach and feel instant relief. Stressed about something, ok, just touch my hip bone jutting out to feel in control. Trouble falling asleep due to all the thoughts twirling in my head, caress my ribs and drift to sleep.

Oh dear… I cannot explain yet how this soothes me but it does…or at least it did. Not anymore. It can’t because my body is changing and these once comforting aspects are disappearing with every pound gained.

Here is the truth about recovery for me. Every day, I take actions (ie eating) to remove the very things that I found reassuring in my most difficult times. Sure, these things were, in reality,  symbols of self-harm to any objective observer. But, to me, they were THE only things that worked to calm my troubled soul. And, to make things harder, by gaining weight, I have not only lost my comfort mechanisms but I am putting myself in even greater emotional stress as I gain weight and tackle deep-rooted issues.

Anxiety levels are high, stress is soaring and emotions are all over the place and I have to tackle all this with none of my old “friends” to help. I have to tolerate this as I battle while finding new, healthier ways to find relief in challenging times.

I’m told that you do eventually come out of this stronger, with new coping mechanisms that help you grow rather than shrink you.

For now, I lost my “binkie”.