If you have ever been close to someone with an Eating Disorder, you likely know how conversations with them can be tricky. Emotional triggers can be hard to anticipate – often creating situations where everyone walks on eggshells.
One might assume that when someone with an ED decides they want to get better and begins treatment that communication becomes easier. But this could not be further from the truth. The path to recovery is a minefield.
While every person’s story is different, one common theme for anyone living with disordered eating is the overwhelming fear of gaining weight. This fear fuels the disorder and causes repeated unhealthy behaviours such as restricting and purging. When you are engaging in these behaviours, the fear is contained and controlled because the odds of weight gain remain relatively low.
AH…but when you start treatment, everything changes. You eat more…a lot more; and the fear grows – bite after bite, meal after meal. Suddenly, the prospect of gaining weight is no longer an irrational fear but a guaranteed result – leaving you hyper sensitive to every comment you hear. Every bit of feedback – even if it is innocuous – is taken over by the Eating Disorder in our head and played back through fear-fueled language designed to bring you back to your disordered eating.
Not sure what I mean? Let me paint you a picture
What someone says to person in recovery What someone in recovery hears
- You ate really well – woah, you ate soooooo much
- You look healthy – you look fat
- You look good – you look fat
- You really liked the chicken – you ate soooooooo much chicken
- You were hungry – you ate sooooooooooo much
- I’m proud of you for having dessert – you should not have eaten dessert
- You seem good – you seem fixed
- I’M not hungry myself – YOU shouldn’t be hungry either
I think you get the gist. When you begin treatment, every word, message, sentence is intercepted by the illness in your brain and modified to try to drive you back to your eating disorder behaviours. Even if you want to get better, a big part of you still seeks the comfort of your disorder. The battle is bigger than ever before because you are now tackling your issues head-on, living with quite a bit of distress while no longer being able to use your default coping mechanisms like restriction to cope and live through it. Ouf…
Reading this, one might think, “good grief…this is complicated. Maybe it is best not to engage with these people at all.”
And sure, that might be easier. But then everyone misses out. Because human connection is precisely what is required during this process. Here is what I suggest instead.
Listen!
You don’t have to be a cheerleader by commenting on someone’s size, looks, food consumption. If you do want to encourage, sentences like “you are strong”, “you can do this”, “I’m here for you” are all good.
One of my good and most precious friends often reminds me that food for me is like chemo for someone with cancer. Sure, it comes with all sorts of side effects but I would not hesitate to undergo chemo regardless of its impact. By doing this, she is helping me stay motivated without even seeing or knowing what I look like or what I eat.
And, when in doubt, simply ask the following: “is there anything I can say right now to help you with your journey?”
And, if you step on a mine…I promise there will be no casualties. Afterall, everyone I know is still alive 😊
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