First Time for Everything

Over the past few months, I have lived several firsts.

• I  won the professional lottery and found a unicorn job in an organization where I routinely exclaim after talking with someone: “I love him/her” ;
• I have fallen in love with the wonderful city that is Vancouver…sheer genuine love that I have not felt for a location since I touched down in London for the first time 2 decades ago;
• I have driven a rental car on my own in multiple new locations without disastrous consequences;
• I have discovered parts of Canada I had not seen before – such as Burlington and Edmonton (note to all: Edmonton is cold…pack your thermals if you go in February); and
• I have finally accepted the realities of chronic anorexia and stopped blaming myself for my relapses…particularly my most recent one.

Oh…she used the “R” word…

Relapse.

I have alluded to my recent relapse in other posts. What I did not share is the extent of it.

It is severe. I believe it is the worst one I have ever experienced.

Jaw drop… It has certainly shocked me, though it should not have. The signs were there and I spoke about them. Many people tried to help. I am and continue to be blessed by the most amazing group of people – from the best partner I could ask for to the most supportive family, friends and colleagues.

That said, my denial was strong (cue Amy Winehouse). And I was great at going through the motions of taking steps to change. Turns out I was lying to myself…out of shame, out of a false sense of self confidence that I had this in hand; and out of guilt for letting down my team at work. It was not intentional and I certainly never meant to mislead anyone. Still…I did…but only because I was incapable of being honest with myself and then accept and forgive where I was.

But denial is no longer an option. Last week, something happened that I truly and honestly never thought would occur. I sat in my doctor’s office and heard a diagnosis I never dreamed would come. After a 20-year battle, my body has finally crumbled under the effects of a lifetime of restriction – with phases of severe starvation. To listen to the words: “very concerned by your test results”, “immediate action”, and “possible death”, was a much-needed wake-up call.

And so, I embark on another first for me. On May 6th, I am starting intensive treatment at Montreal’s only private clinic for eating disorders – where I will undergo the most extensive, customized and integrated anorexia treatment that I have ever completed before.

I will embark on this challenge privately. Not because I don’t see benefit in sharing my experiences on this blog. Rather, I know that I need to focus  on my treatment right now. Where will I wind up? That remains to be seen. However, a few things are certain: I am in good hands, I am not alone and resistance is futile.

I hope to see you on the other side.