Missing

I need to file a missing person’s report. Someone I know very well – who has been a big part of my life – has disappeared…vanished without saying goodbye or leaving any clues behind to help me find them.

I am left lost, confused, bereft and anxious. And unfortunately, there is no search party I can send out, no team of investigators will ever be able to track them down.

“Who is this mystery person?” – you ask.

My old self! The woman I was 3 years ago…

Some of you might be thinking: what’s the big deal? You didn’t like yourself that much anyway!

True…but…my old self was familiar, well-known to me, an anchor of sorts. She was the persona  I used to define myself and to gauge how I was doing. And, of course, there were certain key characteristics about that person that I liked and admired very much.

Now… when I look in the mirror, I see someone I don’t recognize. This makes me both wary and weary at the same time. Wary because I am not sure what to make of this person and what it means to have changed so much. Weary because I am kinda tired of change.

Let’s take a closer look, shall we.

Hair is blonder, weight is lower, more wrinkles and battle scars, but there is more….some of my former key differentiators seem to have dulled:

• Ambition: of course, I still aspire to do things well and have a strong work ethic. But I no longer want the next big challenge, no longer thrive on having a plate so full I can barely breathe. I was never one to want to win the lottery but some days I now find myself wondering if I could sell my shoes and live off the proceeds.

 

• Energy: yes, I still stand out in a crowd for my dynamic presence. But, whereas I used to exude this energy naturally, with no limits, it now feels that I showcase an incredible amount of energy while exhaustion lies just beneath the surface.

 

• Peace of mind: ok, so really it was less peace and more denial but old me did not spend her time consciously battling unhealthy thoughts on a daily basis. And, while I know that my newfound awareness is much healthier than the denial I used to live with, I would give up a lot to go back and have one day of blissful ignorance.

 

So here it is: new me is tired, stable, sometimes looking for less rather than more. Ugh…

But, I remind myself, she is also stronger than ever because she battles now every day. She is more aware of her needs to slow down. And, she is no longer forcing her children to run after her as she chases “success”.

She is no worse than old me…she is just different. I am learning to accept her as I move and grow into yet another version of myself. It is hard at times and I still miss parts of the old me, the one I knew and still recognize so well – far better than the me I am today. But, leaving her behind is necessary in order to move forward.

One thing that comforts me is the fact that, no matter who I become, the shoes in my closet remain the same.