Mornings

Ok, family, before you start yelling shenanigans, hear me out.

For years, when my alarm went off, I immediately sprang into action. I
would set my alarm early to ensure I got everything done on time. Need to
get something done? No problem, I will get up earlier in the morning.

I may not have loved waking up early, but I did it without hesitation. Need to work out? Wake up at 5! Need to catch up at work? Go in early!

And sure, I’ll admit that I was not very talkative when I woke up. But here’s the thing about getting out of bed early, no one is around when you stumble out of bed. So, you don’t have to worry about grunting good morning or looking alert.  Nope, back then, by the time I had to face another human being, at least one coffee was already working its magic through my system.

Things worked just fine this way until depression hit.

Oh, depression…the tiny voice that suggests you stay in bed a little longer; the force that anchors you to the mattress; the fog that makes your eyelids so heavy you cannot imagine opening them.

The thing about depression is that it is stealth. Well, at least in my case it was. It crept up on me. The voice was a whisper at first when my alarm went off.

Eventually, though, it grew stronger and getting out of bed became a real struggle. I physically felt my body get heavier. And I really had a hard time opening my eyes. On those days, the weekend days, Zoe would lie with me and snuggle for an hour as I battled to clear the fog from my eyes.

And, while there was some comfort in lying with her beside me, I couldn’t bear the fact that it was my 7-year old keeping me company while I rallied to get up.

These days, things are much better. But, I am forever changed.

I hate waking up in the mornings now. And my instinct has changed. I no longer
default to getting up earlier. It is not even a fathomable thought.

Rather, I prioritize and try to get as much done when I have the bursts of energy to do them. I align my activities with the way I feel rather than with the timetable I set out in my head.

Work out? Sure…when I have the energy (be it morning, after lunch or in he evening)? Need to catch up on work? No problem, ride the energy wave and get things done faster.

It is a new me. I am not sure I like it. Ok, to be honest, I hate it.

Why? A few reasons.

First, I am a creature of habit and don’t love changes in routine or energy. I am used to things playing out exactly as I believe they should.

Second,I long for the old me, whose body simply followed my will blindly, without talking back. Now, my therapist would say that my body was likely talking back all along but I simply did not allow myself to hear it. Well, for better or for worse, i cannot shut it up anymore so I guess I will
listen.

Write a blog? Sure, on the plane, after a snack and a nap, when I feel like it.

Doing things when you feel like it…how novel 😉