I tend to get what I want.
Between luck, hard work, sheer grit and determination, I typically achieve what I set my mind to. And I like it.
But there is another side to this coin. When things don’t go as I planned, it throws me for a loop. No, I don’t throw tantrums and become petulant. But I do find myself confused and lost; something just doesn’t seem to compute. And, then I find myself going through the following steps:
- Pure incomprehension. This is the stage where I am in denial and baffled by the outcome. “What? Things didn’t go as planned? I didn’t hear what I wanted to hear? How can that be? Whaaaaaattttttt?”
- Frantic fix-it mode. At this stage, I am still fixated on the target, certain I can still achieve what I want. “Ok, I got this. I can turn it around. Try this…no? ok, how about that? Still no…whaaaaatttt?”
- This is the stage where I begin to accept and then turn on myself a bit. In my head, achieving my goals is largely down to luck; missing them is down to my own flaws. “What did I do wrong? How did I miss the target? Seriously Peiky, you suck…”
- Self-loathing and disappointment. This is the stage where I really feel the pain and disappointment related to my perceived failure. “You could have done better…you could have been better. If only you were better, thinner, smarter, prettier…This totally sucks. Do things differently next time.”
- Turning the page and moving on to a new target, with a new plan. And this is the point where I swallow it down, accept it and set my sights on a new plan, a new target. “Ok, whatever, it is over. Screw it, screw you, screw them. Do this now. Go, go, go.”
Depending on the type of miss, I can go through these phases in a matter of minutes or hours, or in some cases days, weeks and, in some rare cases where human relationships are concerned, it could be years.
Recently, when I found myself with a situation that did not go as planned, I reacted badly. I retreated within myself and got really comfortable and cosy in the self-loathing and disappointment mode. Even though I knew it was not helping, it felt strangely soothing to stay in this stage.
But, now, I think it is time to reflect and reconsider all of these steps – particularly the 2 unhelpful stages of 1- frantic fixing and 2- disappointment.
- I’m a fixer. I enjoy the rush and sense of accomplishment related to solving problems. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. Except that when I am faced with an unexpected outcome, rational thinking takes a back seat and impulsivity takes over. So, I find myself making quick decisions and taking quick action and then spiraling into a pattern as I repeatedly try and fail to fix things. I use this approach when cooking and it generally leads to the meal going into the garbage or quite a bit of wine is required to make the meal more palatable. And just like this is not the way to cook, it is not the way to live either. Sometimes, it is better to just let things be. They may be imperfect but, by leaving them as they are, you are not making them worse.
- I get disappointed a lot…mostly in myself. In the past, I would try to avoid the feeling and just focus on the self-blame. Here is what I realized recently. Avoiding the feeling doesn’t help. In fact, it prolongs it. Feelings need to be felt and processed in order to work their way out of your system. Denying them might make it seem like they are gone but, actually, they fester, grow stronger and then morph into something else. So, I am working on feeling my disappointments and not trying to run away from them.
Most importantly, I am moving away from the self blame. Things don’t always happen as planned – due to circumstance, other people, other factors. And, yes, I may have played a part in the outcome and I may have lessons to learn from the situation. BUT, and this is the most important and most difficult lesson for me to learn, it does not mean that I am useless, unloved or incompetent.
So what if I am not a best-selling author yet!? So what if some friendships dissolve!? So what if I burned the toast, did not win the lottery and totally screwed up the morning routine!?
I learned, I lived and now I am letting go.
Suivant, next!!
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