Old « friend »

Like many people, I dusted off my winter gear this week. Warm puffy coat, check; beloved gloves from Accessorize, check; boots, hmmmm.

From the moment I put on the boots, something felt off. They felt too loose. I looked down and saw the source of this freedom: no laces.

Instantly I was brought back to that Sunday in March at the hospital where I was stripped down, laces included, and given a hospital gown and gurney. No belt, no scarf, no laces,  anything that could be used to take my own life was removed as I was brought to the corridor I would spend the next six hours awaiting my medical assessment.

A lot has happened since that moment at the Lakeshore emergency room in March. I started eating again, I started to see the beauty in the world again, depression took over but I battled back, I got stronger and, most recently, I started a new job.

Most days, the feeling of despair from that day seems like a lifetime ago. But on those rare darker days, my old « friend » -suicidal thoughts – follows me around all day.

I am no expert on the topic, but for me, it seems like from the moment I seriously contemplated suicide, I invited it into my life permanently as an option to consider. 

It is kinda like that Excel gum commercial where the donut, coffee and pizza follow you around and you cannot shake them. I don’t invite suicide or seek it out as a thought. Rather, I go about my day, pushing through the tough moments and suddenly, I feel a little tap on my shoulder. And there it is…

« Hi Christina, have you thought about me today? I’m here if you need me. »

Luckily, I have never gotten to the point where I entertain the thought but I am aware of its presence.

I am not sure if suicide will ever be completely off the table; if I will be able to put this option permanently back in the box now that it has been set free in my conscious mind.

But, I am hopeful. 

Afterall, even if I cannot banish it entirely, I am well surrounded by family and friends and have many tools (writing, meditation, therapists and even help lines) to help keep the thought of suicide at bay. This is my very own Justice League. 

And this gum-chewing Wonder Woman hasn’t lost a battle yet.