JUST BE

I did something today that I haven’t done in 2 years. I ran. I dusted off my running gear and ran.

Before you start to worry about my motivations, this time things were different.

I wasn’t running to control my weight. I wasn’t running out of obligation. And I wasn’t trying to outrun my thoughts.

Nope. I was running because I felt like it. And, for the first time ever, I simply ran and listened to the music playing on my iPod. Every beat, ever lyric, I heard them all, my mind quiet.

I stopped exercising at my doctor’s request 2 years ago, when my weight was very low and my behaviours were almost exclusively unhealthy. I then went through a long period of depression where the mere thought of using my energy on anything more than surviving the day seemed ludicrous.

When the fog lifted, I was afraid to start jogging again. I was afraid I had lost the stamina I had built up over the years and, worse, afraid that once I started again, I wouldn’t be able to stop.

Well…i need not have worried. First, the body is an amazing thing. It remembers what it can do and it transitions relatively easily. That said, unlike in the past, I took it slow and kept a relaxed pace – unwilling to push my body to the limit.

My body was dictating what I did and how far I pushed – leaving my mind out of it.

When I finished 20 mins later, not a second more – I was happy. I had learned 3 important lessons:

1- nothing is ever truly lost. You can always go back to the things that made you happy once you are in a healthier place.

2- you can simply enjoy the moment without being taken over by an overwhelming urge to take things to the max.

3 – assumptions and fears can only ever hold you back. I had assumed that I was completely out of shape and had begun mourning my former fitness level – angry with myself for falling into the trap of anorexia. But what do you know…turns out it wasn’t quite so black and white.

Of course, it was only one workout. I have no idea what will happen next. Will my motivations shift into less healthy areas? Will I start to take things to extremes – fueled by the power you feel when you push yourself hard? Or will I retire my workout gear yet again?

Time will tell. In the meantime, I’m gonna take a nice long soak to take care of my slightly-out-of-use muscles.