« It’s me who is my enemy.
Me who beats me up.
Me who makes the monsters.
Me who strips my confidence »
Me by Paula Cole
People are hard. They are beautiful, frustrating, invigorating, puzzling, annoying.
I won’t lie. I often get annoyed with the people around me…especially those who are inconsiderate, dishonest or rude. Sometimes, I can’t even explain why they annoy me…they just do.
There is one person in particular that annoys the hell out of me:
Myself.
« Wait a minute, Christina, » you might be thinking. « What happened to all that self love and acceptance you have been harping on about? »
Ah well…my compassionate side is present and growing but it does not prevent my self annoyance. Still, it does help guide my reaction when I am frustrated with myself.
For example:
I was in a funk the other day. I was sitting in a bubble bath that was having no effect on my mood and a giant wave of annoyance hit me.
« I’m sick of this! » I thought to myself. « I am sick of feeling ill from eating a normal-size meal. I am sick of the anxiety that bubbles up inside me over big decisions. I am tired of needing to retreat to cope. I am sick of YOU, Peikert. »
Whoah…that was some bubble bath!!
Luckily, I have learned enough in the past year to be able to take a breath and tell myself, gently, that I was being harsh and unfair. I encouraged myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sure, it was a rough day and everyone around me sensed it but at about 8pm that night, I finally addressed the source of my anxiety and « boom », I started to feel like my old self again.
So what did I learn from this?
First, I need to keep working on my compassionate acceptance. The world can be harsh enough, I really don’t need to be my worst critic. It is great to be able to tend to your own wounds. It would be even greater if I did not inflict them on myself in the first place.
Second, trying to ignore or suppress what is bothering me only prolongs the inevitable. Denying emotions is kinda like fighting nausea. You can fight the icky feeling for hours and puke anyway. Or, you can just stop fighting, embrace the feeling, go with it and start to feel better faster. Either way…you have to get it out of your system at some time, in some way.
Third, battling a mental illness is hard. Some days, you are blinded by the journey you see ahead and you cannot see the tremendous trail of progress behind you. On these days, you feel pulled down by the weight of what is left to be done rather than propelled forward by what you have accomplished. You are fed up instead of proud.
But this is just a moment in time. The feeling passes eventually and you start to see more clearly. And, if it doesn’t, someone or something can help things along. For me, if can be a sunrise, a giggle, a stranger offering their umbrella when you are waiting at a traffic light together in the rain…something to remind me there is beauty in the world and re-set my lens.
I am sure there will be times when none of this works and I will stay in a valley of self annoyance. But…today at least, I am grateful there is so much beauty in the world to help snap me out of my gloom.
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