Awakening

I took a shower this morning! For most, this statement wouldn’t cause anyone to bat an eyelash. In my house, this was news.

I have not taken a shower in months. Now  before you pinch your nose and scrunch your face up thinking « Ew », let me clarify that I take at least 2 baths daily and subscribe to only the highest of hygiene standards.

A few months ago, a dark fog set in around me. I struggled to get out of bed most days and standing up to take a shower took more effort than I  had to give. I simply couldn’t face the thought of doing it.

The last few months have been difficult and extremely hard to understand. I was eating more, fully settled at work and the weather was great. Why, then, was I feeling so low.

The doctors said it was a phase – though no one could pinpoint the cause. Tests revealed I was physically healthy. So what gives?

I started to question my medication.

Antidepressants generate a lot of press…none of it is 100 percent conclusive. Studies range from saying they don’t work to saying they play a critical role in the treatment of depression, to everything in between.

And I suspect every study is accurate because the effectiveness of these medications varies as much as Human beings do.

When I was first prescribed an antidepressant, I was at an all time low in terms of spirit and weight. I did not ask about the side effects and I didn’t hesitate. I wanted something to help ensure I could keep on living.

As my mental health has improved -thanks to a lot of internal work, a huge support network and a loooooot of talking – I started to re-examine the role this medication played in my life.

The list of side effects it can trigger is extensive and the effectiveness can vary over time.

For me, the antidepressants had a bit of a numbing effect. They froze my sensations, my brain functions. For a time, this was exactly what I needed as I focused heavily on developing coping mechanisms for my overactive brain and my erratic emotions.

Over time, though, this numbing effect started to have a harmful impact. I was exhausted, a novel concept for me, and I had zero interest in life. I did not look forward to things and I rarely experienced joy. I was sleepwalking through life but conscious of it. This plummeted me into a very dark time.

So, after much discussion with my partner in crime (Charles) and my psychiatrist, I recently started the process of weaning myself off my antidepressants.

I want to be clear: I firmly believe antidepressants serve a role and can bring  much relief to many. I have no shame related to taking them and I believe they played a positive role in my journey back from the brink. That said, I am a different person now, and I believe my body and brain are ready to bid them farewell.

This weaning process has to be done slowly, carefully and with the support of a mental health and medical professional as the medication alters your brain chemistry. Done too rapidly, and you can create the sensation of shocks to your brain. It is done in stages and, at each stage, you wait and watch for side effects – of which there can be many.

Week 1, no negative side effects but my energy started to return.

Week 2, my emotional and physical thaw really started to take effect. I felt happier, my brain was sharper from the moment I woke up. No more endless snoozing in the morning with no desire to get out of bed. At the same time though, my past impulsivity and negative self talk started to make an appearance. But, this time, I have coping mechanisms and a stronger, more informed support network to help.

I won’t lie, seeing some of these emotions come back scares me. What will week 3 and 4 bring? Is this a sign of a trade off I will have to make in life: feeling energized and alive but emotionally unstable? Is there a happy medium to come? Will I be unable to recognize myself next week?

I don’t know…

Maybe I will mull it over, in the shower!