ADDICT

I’m an addict.

I’ve never smoked a cigarette, never touched a joint, let alone anything stronger. I’ve never popped pills and, apart from the 3 years in London where I gave my liver a nice workout, I barely drink. But I am very much an addict.

My vices are intangible but no less damaging than those listed above.

My name is Christina, and I am addicted to restriction and control.

Let’s start with restriction. You might be thinking…um…I get how restricting your food intake can be damaging but how can it be an addiction? Let me explain. Every hour, of every day, I think about restricting my food intake. I am happy when I know I’ll be able to skip a meal and I will jump on an opportunity to cut back. The more you restrict, the harder it becomes to find things to remove from your daily intake. But that is almost part of the game. Cut out the gum, cut down the coffee, swap out some vegetables with more calories for water-based celery.

Why on earth would you do that, you might wonder? Ah, well…there are many reasons. For me, there are 2. First, restriction gives me a high. Being functional while eating very little makes me feel invincible. And, I struggle to admit it, but it makes me proud. I keep two running tallies during my day: everything I accomplish (laundry, blog, shopping, dancing with the girls, etc) and every calorie I consume. At the end of the day I compare both and the more I was able to get done with the lowest food intake, the greater the pride. It is not enough to accomplish a lot in a given day; I must do this by overcoming hunger, fatigue and feeling faint. I need battle scars in order to earn my badge of honor.

The second reason is that starving myself has a numbing effect. It is hard to feel things when your body is essentially in sleep mode. It becomes easy to tune out the things that you don’t want to deal with when you are already working on fumes to get the essentials done.

Linked to my addition to restriction is my utter dependence on control. Feeling in control is reassuring the me. If I control everything, nothing can surprise me, nothing can hurt me. Being in control makes me feel like everything will be ok. If I keep all things in check, I’ll be fine. I cannot imagine a world without being in the driver’s seat of life. Of course, it is a delusion because no one is in full control of everything…and yet…

As a result, I am deathly afraid of losing control.

When it comes to eating, I am petrified of giving in to my hunger, buckling under the fatigue and going crazy. This fuels my restrictive tendencies. Don’t eat, don’t risk awakening the hunger beast. I think to myself, the only way to ensure I don’t go overboard is simply by not eating. I do this because I know that every day I restrict, I walk a fine line between utter control and having the flood gates open and being crushed by the waves.

The unfortunate thing is that the more I feel out of control, the more I desperately try to control and restrict. And so goes the cycle that is so difficult to break.

I haven’t found the right rehab for these addictions. Though my time at the Douglas helped, more treatment is required. And once I am recovered, I know that, like any addict, I will never be able to restrict again without great risk of relapse.

One day at a time…one…day…at…a…time