It is performance appraisal time for many and I’m no different. But, rather than an evaluation of my work performance over the past year, I am looking at my recovery.
It is not a straightforward process – there were no concrete objectives set last January and other than my weight, the KPIs are debatable. With that in mind, I would say that my report card is mixed. And I say that without shame because I am proud of the person I have become in the last 12 months. An imperfect person but a stronger, happier and more enlightened one.
A year ago, I was a mess. I was unhappy, my emotions were out of control, I was a prisoner of my thoughts and I felt so ashamed – of being ill, of having to leave work, of not being able to cope and of desperately trying to cling to unhealthy things to make me feel better. I felt I had been stripped of my superhero cape and exposed for the fraud that I felt I was. I hated myself and could not see a way forward.
When I think back to that person, I barely recognize her. I’ve left a lot of her behind. Now, I don’t want to give the impression that I am recovered. Far from it. My eating disorder remains a strong presence in my life at the moment. So I work my recovery every day. And I may for years to come.
But, there is definitely a new Peiky in town. Today, I am happier, I put far less pressure on myself, I can actually shut my brain off and I am fully functional. I don’t waste precious time thinking about past events or anticipating a myriad of scenarios for the future. I take things as they come…well…for the most part. You can’t change everything! But there is a sense of calm I’ve not felt before.
And, I am so much richer than I was a year ago. I’ve long been blessed with the best group of friends a person could ask for. Today, I am even more blessed. I have met so many amazing women during my recovery. They have understood me, they have inspired me and they have joined my team of excellent cheerleaders. I treasure them more than they know.
I am kinder with myself and I am, without a doubt, wiser.
However, there is one big area where I need to be honest with myself about my progress.
Eating remains a challenge and I have lost weight since I left the Day Program. You can shake your head as you read this. I would too if I were you. But, from what I gather, this is not unusual for patients leaving the Day Program. As much as starting the program discombobulates you, so too does leaving it. You go from being “grounded” and under strict supervision to being free; from having full support whenever you need it to feeling alone. I won’t lie, my desire to undo everything I accomplished during the Program took over. I see it and I am working on it with my recovery network; but it remains a struggle.
As I battle on, I continue working on self love and acceptance and on building on all the good things that have come out of this last year. I am scaling the mountain once more. And, even if I backslide, I know each time will bring me higher than the time before.
Let’s see what next year’s report card brings.
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