“You’re so vain…”
One of the frustrating misconceptions about eating disorders is that they are caused by vanity.
EDs are complex mental illnesses that have a myriad of root causes and triggers. The initial trigger is often not what perpetuates the disorder. And, if you relapse, which has been my case on 2 occasions, the trigger can be vastly different each time.
Just recently, I finally identified the trigger of the relapse that threw me into a tailspin last year. Deep down I knew what it was; my therapist had verbalized it several times. But, I had refused to believe it and to accept it.
It is all a bit too personal to go into in this blog but I will say this: vanity had nothing to do with it.
And vanity is not what keeps me in it. Afterall, there is nothing vain about wearing a tuque all the time cause you are always cold – even if it is a quirky cow hat. Nor is there any vanity in hiding your weight under bulky sweaters or having your hair fall out due to malnutrition.
At my lowest, there were days where I felt so tired that showering and getting dressed seemed almost impossible.
But sure, I kept starving cause I wanted to look like a supermodel!
Trust me, at my height, looking like a supermodel has never crossed my mind.
Too often, in mainstream media, unrealistic body ideals are blamed for eating disorders. And, while I am not disputing that they can be a cause, these beauty ideals are not the ONLY cause. I understand that it is easy to believe it is all down to poor body image. It makes it seem easier to fix. Fix the body distortion and the patient starts eating! Right?
Um….not quite. I know all about unrealistic body ideals. I know that many people find me too thin…that having the BMI of a model doesn’t bring an iota of happiness… oh, I know…and yet…
So if you have daughters and are tempted to ban Barbies, fashion magazines and pretty much all forms of media; if you are considering home schooling them to avoid teenage peer pressure in hopes that you can keep eating disorders at bay…I hate to tell you, it is just not that simple.
gladiatorin4inchheels.com 
Truer words were never spoken. I did ban Barbies 😉 . I also home-schooled all my children – for many reasons – including so they would never be sexually abused by a teacher in early elementary school as I had been.
One reason I am so interested in your story is because I have lived some of what you describe during three different periods of my life. I understand when you describe restricting – I have done it during those times, and I remember how I felt. Not one person even noticed, so losing twenty pounds when you are already slender must still look normal. (??!) For some unknown reason, I stopped each time. I have no idea why.
Why did it stop though I never sought treatment? I am only now starting to understand the very complex issues involved, and I agree completely – it is just not that simple.
I hope you will keep writing.
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