VOICES

Recently, I’ve started to read a few books introducing the concept of an Eating Disorder as a separate entity to our true selves (Life Without Ed & Goodbye Ed, Hello Me – both by Jenni Schaefer and both highly recommended reads).

I remain unsure about the concept but I will concede that, when you have an ED, inner dialogue is a running ticker tape in your head, in your life. I suppose it doesn’t really matter if it is a dialogue between 2 parts of myself or between my true self and my anorexia. The end result is the same…confusion and exhaustion.

To give you an idea of what it is like to have this inner dialogue, I thought I would chronicle one day in the life of Peiky. (This format is inspired entirely by Jenni Schaefer’s excellent prose).

1:30 am: I’m starving / no you’re not.  Yes I am / ok, you are but honestly, do you really want to get out of bed and go downstairs?  I kinda do / Yeah, but then what will you eat? Maybe you could have a few crackers…no more than 2 though. Nothing more. It needs to be fast and low calorie…seriously, why not just fall back to sleep.  Sigh…ok

4:30 am: Off to the airport…I really am starving / You can’t eat now. It is way too early. If you eat something now, then you’ll be hungry for something else at breakfast time and you’ll wind up having an extra meal today. True, ok, maybe I could have something small, just to have a bit of sugar boost and flavour, like a Hershey’s kiss?/Do you honestly want to start you first day of vacation eating chocolate? You are really losing your resolve these days.                                                                                             
5:45 am: Check in is really long and I feel faint…I’ll just eat the chocolate. It will give me a bit of energy and help me be in a good mood with the girls. Can’t be crabby / Ok fine but nothing more until you are on the plane.

6:45 am: I should get a drink for the plane / Sure, VitaminWater Zero. Tastes like shit but hey, no calories. Oh and buy lots of gum and tic tacs in case you get hungry.

8:30 am: Gum is not working, hungry. Gonna have the Cliff bar I packed / You can, but no one else is eating on the plane right now. Why don’t you wait until beverage service?

9:30 am: Still no beverage service…I’m eating / Ok, take the bar out of your bag and just keep it nearby. See if you really want to eat it

10:00 am: I need a coffee / yup, Imagine how good the bar will taste with a coffee. You will be so proud of yourself for waiting and will enjoy the experience so much more.

10:05 am: I just went to the bathroom and the beverage carts aren’t even ready. Fuck it, I am eating the bar when I get back to my seat / Really? Don’t you want to be proud for having waited? Oh and look at your thighs… But go ahead, eat the bar.

10:45 am: Beverage cart! I can eat / Wait to see what the girls have for lunch. Maybe eat their leftovers instead of the Cliff bar. Ok, 2 crackers and a bite of Lily’s soup.  Still hungry / why don’t you wait a bit, maybe the hunger will subside?                                                                                                                                    
11:08 am: I’m eating this bar…la la la la…I can’t hear you.

12:30 pm: Oh good, here comes the beverage cart…coffee smells good / Nope, coffee means milk, no matter how minute the quantity. Have a Diet Coke instead.                             
1:30 pm: we’ve landed and the heat is making me feel faint. I’m shaking. I need to eat. Where are the snacks? / No more than 120 calories there Peiky. When you get to the hotel, you will have lunch so watch it. Eureka, a bag of fish crackers. 120 calories / SHIT LILY WANTS THEM. I TRY TO OFFER HER A BEAR PAW BUT SHE REFUSES. I can’t find anything else in the bag that will do. Bear paw, 190 calories, Nutella sticks…um I can’t even look. I actually feel panic rise. Wait! I find a bag of dark chocolate covered fruit. 90 calories. Hallelujah.

3:00 pm: ok…lunch time, lunch time / it is too close to dinner. No protein, a plain soft tortilla with cabbage is ok, a little salsa, one, and I mean only one, nacho                               
5:00 pm: Lily wants a virgin Pina Colada. Yum. I’ll have a sip. / WHAT??? Are you crazy. No more sips. Do you hear me??

6:30 pm: I should have a small snack before dinner / Saltine crackers…no wait, if you start eating, you might trigger greater hunger. Best to wait until dinner.

7:30 pm: oh…there is a whole vegan section / Acceptable. Not too much though!                          
8:10 pm: ohhh I feel full / Shouldn’t have eaten so much. I told you!!!! Eat less tomorrow.

Some days are more intense than others. It usually depends on how strong I feel and on how much “idle brain time” I have on my hands. Before starting treatment, there wasn’t even a dialogue going on in my head. At least not a conscious one. Restrictive behaviours and thoughts were standard and so strong that that I could not “hear” any other voice. Now, as I know more, as my awareness of the issue is strong, the dialogue is more frequent. It is like an arm wrestle. At first, I was so far down on the ED side. Now, we are almost back into the start position. And, slowly, I am starting to move closer to the healthy ME side. I won’t lie, it hurts, it is draining, the other side gets stronger some days and it gets harder and harder to move the pendulum back the other way. But, I’m holding on for the win!