SUNSHINE & RAINBOWS

In the past few years, we have started off the new year with a week in the sun. Jamaica, Orlando, Mexico…no better way to start the year and keep the festive glow of the holidays going.

This year, we are off to Ixtapa, Mexico. The forecast calls for non stop sunshine, the kids packed their own suitcases and we will be staying at an all-inclusive. All you can eat and drink. No chores, no laundry, no schedule, no work…no….stress???

For most, an all-inclusive vacation is a dream. Ok, the food isn’t always perfect, the service is sometimes slow and the weather has been known to surprise, but on the whole, you check your stress at the aircraft door when you board and sit back and relax until you return.

For me…well…stress and anxiety are stowed in my carry-on. And while I am very much looking forward to our trip, a week at an all-inclusive can trigger some concerns for someone with an eating disorder – and their families.

Let’s start with the obvious…the food. Typically, I scan the buffet with the girls and get them settled at the table. I do this partly because it is wise parenting to get the kids fed first but also because it allows me to build a log of the various items available so I can start thinking about what I will eat. If not, wandering the buffet can take a while…with an internal dialogue going on in my head (eat this, don’t eat that, that looks good…don’t even think about it!!!) I usually do at least 2 rounds before I put an item on my plate.

Let’s take the breakfast buffet as an example.

First round, cross off everything I don’t like. Eggs, nope. Sausage, nope. Fish, meat, cheese, non, non, non. Second round, I cut out the absolutely verboten. Donuts and pastries, maybe next year. Bacon, last day, if your lucky. Pancakes, well…if you tasted good without syrup, but you don’t, so no.

I typically wind up with lots of fruit and maybe a slice to bread. Sometimes cereal but only if there is skim milk… a rare find.

Lunch and dinner are similar but it is the salad bar and, bread again. Chicken usually makes an appearance at dinner but rarely at any other time.

This year, my therapist and psychiatrist have given me advice for the upcoming trip. Every meal needs to have protein, grain and fruit. Technically, there should be dairy but I think they know that will be tough. They’ve advised that I take snacks from the buffet in the morning so I can ensure I have something to eat later on if required. And, I’ve been encouraged to bring snacks, like Cliff bars, from home.

When they told me this, I thought to myself: huh…do everything for myself that I would do for my kids? If I can do it for them, surely I should be able to do it for myself? If only I cared about myself as much as I love them. I’m working on it. And while I work on it, I will pack their snacks…and mine.

Then there is the alcohol. I am no lush, but I do enjoy a nice beverage. But alcohol is not my friend these days. First, it clashes with the medication I am on. Second, it reduces my resolve, blurs the lines of restriction and silences the voice inside my head urging me to stop eating. I always eat more if I’ve had a bit of alcohol. And while some would see that as a good thing, my anxiety around food now causes anxiety around alcohol for fear I won’t be able to stop myself from consuming too many calories.

Lastly, there is the sea of bathing suit beauties – many of whom are younger, more toned and seemingly more confident in their bodies. Sure, there are far more women with imperfect bodies at the beach but I don’t actually see them. Call it selective blindness.

My discomfort with my body in a bathing suit increased this year. Not because I am ashamed…I wear my skinny proudly most days. But because nothing fits. Adult bathing suits are too big and I feel awkward in a bathing suit designed for children. Not exactly a confidence boost when the 12 year-old in the pool is wearing the same outfit as you.

All this to say that this trip will present some challenges. But I knew that from the onset, before we even booked it. Recovery is about pushing your comfort zone, about moving beyond the things that have held me back in the past. I’ll have moments where I fall down, but the sand will be soft. And I look forward to sharing my ups and downs.

So let’s do this! Bring on the sunshine.