ANOREXIC MOM

“Just try it, please…One bite…please!”

Nope…I am not trying to get my girls to eat broccoli – they both actually like it.

Rather, it is Zoe asking me to try something I don’t normally eat. Today, I am lucky. She is offering me cheese, something I’ve never loved but that I still consider edible. Some days, particularly if we are out for Dim Sum, her offerings have me backing away, shaking my head, jaw locked.

Worrying is par for the course for every parent. For me, big areas of concern are food, portions and eating behaviour.

Research has shown that eating disorders are caused by biological, psychological and social factors.

Evidence suggests that some people are genetically predisposed to developing an eating disorder. Some literature suggests that someone with an anorexic mother is 12 times more likely than someone with no family history to develop it themselves (Eating Disorders Review, Nov/Dec 2002).

The first time I heard this at the Douglas, I started to panic. My girls! My genes! My anxiety!! Luckily my therapist was there to remind me of a few important things. First, while my girls share some of my genes, their genetic makeup is not identical to mine. It is impossible. Yes, biology 101. But, as research also shows, starving yourself affects your brain chemistry, making thinking clearly a challenge. So I went to a place where I forgot this simple fact. Second, being genetically predisposed to an eating disorder does not mean you will fall prey to its insidious grasp. Other factors need to come into play and help trigger the ED.

Ok, so no need to panic…but…wait…what are the other factors, again?

Certain psychological traits tend to be common among people with eating disorders. Perfectionism, feelings of inadequacy, having a poor sense of self , and seeing the world as black and white are typically exhibited by ED sufferers.

Oh…A little more reason to worry. Zoe…my sweet Zoe who fretted about getting a B in kindergarten and refuses to let me go in the 12 items of less line at Walmart if we have 13 items in our cart. Now, I am on high alert.

Then there are the social factors. The beauty messages that are pervasive in our modern society. Body image messaging (positive/negative, spoken/implicit) is everywhere. And it is not just in Hollywood or on social media. It is much much closer to home: in the school yard, at family gatherings, even with friends. And, of course, in my own kitchen.

In arming my girls against an ED, my focus has been on reducing the social factors that can contribute to an eating disorder. I tell them they are beautiful and to never let anyone tell them otherwise. I compliment them on all aspects of their beauty – their sense of humour, kind hearts, intelligence, generosity, determination – and I tell them every day that they are wonderful and magical.

With respect to food, nothing is forbidden for them though I do teach them moderation and that it is important to be mindful about wasting food. I align their portions to what Charles gives them. No longer do they have toast with the thinnest layer of peanut butter or homemade pizza with a few sprinkles of cheese. They must have thought I was rationing our food. No wonder they used to want Charles to make every meal. Not anymore…

Still, they see my sparse portions, they know I have forbidden foods and they see things on their plates that I am too picky to try.

We have tried our best to counter these mixed messages by being clear about who is the exception and who is the rule. They know that I am not the example to follow when it comes to eating. And they know I am the one who has work to do. But I am never sure if these messages have truly sunk in. I wonder if they will do as I say and not as I do as they grow up.

Just as I was wondering if they understand that I have a disorder, Zoe announced to the family on Christmas Eve: “You’re not healthy mommy! You’re sick! You don’t eat enough.”

Maybe we’ll be ok….