ME

It is 9:30 pm. I’m sitting in bed with both girls sleeping beside me, the glow of my iPhone is the only thing lighting up the room. I type a message to Charles and hit send:

“I cannot do this anymore.”

After an hour of whining, cajoling, arguing, bribing, punishing, capitulating and begging, the girls are finally asleep. Recently, the bedtime routine has been more difficult. The girls are more resistant to everything and they shun their father completely, leaving me with the difficult challenge of being fully present when they want to tell me about their day, just moments after having been the authoritarian mom. I usually feel so mentally and physically drained by the end of it that it is not unusual for me to fall asleep as they drift off for the night. Tonight was especially difficult. There were frustrated voices and tears…mine included.

So, I type…and send my cry for help. It is well received and a solution is found for the next night.

With 2 kids under the age of 7, these situations are bound to happen. They’ve happened before and they will surely re-occur. But I have changed the way I handle them.

18 months ago, when I would feel overwhelmed and overworked at home, I would say nothing. It was my job after all…they were asking for me, they needed me. I kept everything inside, felt like I was failing as a mom (I mean seriously, what mom feels like the life has been sucked out of her because of the bedtime routine??) and my frustration built – eventually coming out in passive aggressive behaviour…ok sometimes aggressive aggressive behaviour 🙂

A year ago, I started to share when I was feeling this way. But I struggled with saying I was struggling. It sometimes came out all wrong and, often, no matter how I shared how I was feeling, I did nothing to help myself. Sometimes I downright resisted offers of help. Why? Well, because the overwhelmed feeling passed and I wanted to power through and be there for my kids when they wanted me. I told myself that all I needed was a good night’s sleep and I would reboot.

A good idea in theory but it was not always the case. Sometimes, I would get so close to my maximum threshold that even a good night’s sleep would only do so much.

This week, I not only sent out the SOS but I took action to help myself. Deep down, I knew I needed a night off from bedtime. And I took it. I kissed the girls goodnight and left them with their loving dad even though they begged me earlier in the day not to leave. I went to my parents’ house, snuggled up in a blanket with a cup of coffee and read in complete silence, with no threat of interruption. When they were sleeping, I made my way home.

Some might find this a bit of an odd action. And maybe it was. I know I felt a bit embarrassed that I had to leave the house. But, for me, it was an important step in self care. I did what I had to do to give myself some time, even though I felt guilty about it at first. And putting my needs ahead of guilt is progress.

This is imperfect me…growing.