THIS MORNING

I woke up this morning and my stomach was flat. I smiled. I felt strong. I went in the shower and I felt soft flesh on my belly. I did sit-ups to be able to breathe again.

I woke up this morning and my stomach wasn’t flat. I was scared and sad. But I smiled and said nothing. I made my girls breakfast and danced as we went to school. I cried as I went to therapy.

I woke up this morning and my clothes were tight. I made Zoe’s lunch (macaroni and cheese) and thought about it. I brushed the girls’ teeth and thought about it. I dropped the girls off and thought about it. I listened to my stomach rumble and thought about it.

I woke up this morning and you were everywhere – in my dreams, in my shower, in my car. I’m pissed and want to scream: “Fuck off!!! Get out of my head and out of my life. I wish we never crossed paths and I don’t want you anymore.”

But at the same time, I want to hold on to you, beg you to never leave because you make me feel safe, calm, loved, like I can take on the world. And you have been such an important part of my life that I am scared of what will happen when you are gone. Will I crumble without you? Will everyone see me as I see myself If you are not there to prop me up? 

I believe most people can understand my reaction of anger. But few can grasp how I can “need” something so destructive. But I do…or at least I think I do – with a conviction more powerful than any other belief I hold.

Currently, there is a storm raging inside me. Me! The person known for seeing sunshine and rainbows in the world. But no one can see it. My weight is up. I have made progress. But with every gram I gain, with every article of clothing I have to retire as too small, my unhappiness grows. I try to deny it, to ignore it, to outrun it. People look at me and think I am better. And, in some ways I am. So I don’t dare share the ticker tape running through my head. If I did, I could only expect them to say what I keep saying to myself: “can’t you change the record already?”

I woke up this morning feeling great. I was happy. The sun was shining outside and I sang in the car. I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. I felt light, energized and free – a glimmer of how I used to feel. I am hopeful and almost don’t want to go to sleep, for fear that this moment will slip away.

I woke up this morning, and there you were. I pretended not to see you, ignored your voice. I had let my guard down in the night and you had grabbed hold of me. I dragged you around like a shackle.

I am exhausted but I know this is not the end. I had one day without you. There will be others. I’m doing the hard work. Until then, I sleep the sleep of a battle-scared warrior – weary, weak…but alert! The wounds will heal. I will get new ones. But the war is not over. 

Carry on Gladiator.