PROGRESS

I didn’t have the Nutella. I paused, thought about licking it off my finger, then washed my hands thoroughly.

Seems trivial but I can always tell how I am doing in my recovery by this simple action. When I am feeling strong, I happily, thoughtlessly lick the traces of Nutella left on my hands after making my girls’ breakfast. (Yes, they have Nutella for breakfast. Judge me later, I’m trying to make a point here). When my restrictive thoughts are strong, I cannot get rid of the chocolatey substance fast enough.

This week was hard. Having to adapt to life without the Program, wondering what the hell do I do now, feeling like I was starting all over…again…all these things drove me back to the comforting arms of restriction, of desperately seeking outside cues to tell me I was ok. Let’s just say, I washed my hands a lot this week. I was extremely emotional when I didn’t get what I thought I needed and I wanted to curl up by the fire and let the hours pass.

To many reading this, it might seem that I have relapsed. The thought had crossed my mind. But, waking up this morning, I felt light and happy. And here’s why. I woke up with a mental comparison of where I am now, versus where I was the last time I felt lost. It was almost as though while sleeping, my brain did the tally and wanted to ensure that it was top of mind when I woke up. So I opened my eyes and thought, wow, you are healing.

First, I bounced back…faster than ever before. Sure, I felt gloomy for a week but I didn’t let it wash over me. I kept putting on my heels every day and I kept writing, reading, singing and doing. Old me would have focused on the fact that I fell. New me is choosing to focus on how quickly I get back up.

I’ve also built a stronger support network. And I am leveraging it more. I have been blessed with amazing family and friends…who have rallied together this last year. And, now, after my time at the Day Program, I have a new group of strong, funny, caring and inspiring women in my life. They understand the incomprehensible and they make me stronger. I’ve leaned on them this week and it has helped. In fact, I’m thinking of forming an unofficial support group with whoever wants to join – possible name is Red Flags & Co. If you get this reference, this group may be for you.

And, I’m more accepting today than I ever was thanks to a few newly acquired coping skills. I am starting to silence certain voices to embrace new ways of seeing things. In the past, my false perceptions colored everything and allowed me to discount any other viewpoints. If someone gave me a compliment, a little voice inside me would pop up and say: “they mean well, but they are wrong. You are not amazing, you are weak, you are broken, you are…”

Even if I don’t see myself as others seem to see me, I am starting to hear what they are saying and accept that maybe they have a point. Yesterday, when a great friend told me I was bringing great things to the world, and the voice came in to contradict everything, I said to myself:

“Peikert, you may not see yourself this way…you may not believe it. And, today, you don’t have to believe it. But accept that maybe your perceptions are wrong. You can spend time fighting the positive messages you hear or you can just save that energy to fight other things.”

It worked.

No, I did not look in the mirror after and think: “You Rock Peikert.” That would be a bit dramatic and unrealistic. But, just accepting that others could be right was powerful. And it was energizing.

I know there will be days where I’ll still want to fight every compliment, every positive message. But today, I feel things are shifting and that eventually, the voice will be a whisper. And, that, makes me smile.

“Mommy, you have Nutella on your hand!”

I do, I thought to myself, as I raised my hand to my lips.