Goodbyes

This has been a year of goodbyes: some more dramatic than others, some more final than others, and some definitely more painful than others.  And, while goodbyes are never easy and regrets are difficult to get over, 2017 has been essential to improving my health, my spirit and my life…or so I keep telling myself.

When I first started outpatient treatment, I was asked to give away my scales. “No problem,” I thought. I proudly marched the 2 scales to my parents’ house and skipped home. For 2 days, I kept forgetting they were gone – absentmindedly going to my closet several times a day to step on my old friends in hopes of getting a number I liked. I felt haunted. Eventually, the feeling subsided, the once over-powering need for them dissipated and I stopped mourning their loss…Until…a few months later, when I was gearing up for the return to work that never happened, and I bought another scale.

Ok, not my smartest move. Within weeks, weighing myself became a fixation – so much so that, fed up one day with the hold it had on me, I deliberately smashed it in the garage. Glass everywhere…This time, goodbye felt good and I felt strong.

Scales gone for good, I also said goodbye to my Fitbit, my weekly runs (I miss you endorphins), to skim milk, low fat jams and all diet products I owned. Let’s be honest, they don’t really taste good anyway. 

I said goodbye to some fundamental parts of my life as well – like my career (at least as I knew it). Everyone tells me it is not over, just changing. And while it is hard to accept some days, there is no escaping it. Linked to this, I said goodbye to my workaholic self, the one chained to my blackberry with an almost Pavlovian reaction to the red flashing light. I cannot lie. She’s still here inside me and really wants to come out to play but this time away has helped me learn to limit her activity. Still, I miss her, miss my career and struggle with the unknown surrounding my return to work. 

My favorite goodbye was to insomnia. For as long as I can remember, my sleep was interrupted nightly by my thoughts. In high school, it was all about my course load, my grades, the exam question I got wrong. Later, it was about the work stress on my mind, the mommy failures, the comment someone made that hurt me, the plan I was drafting in my mind to ensure I accomplished everything that needed to be done, the tough discussion I needed to have…etc.

I won’t lie, it took medication to help me get here but now I sleep deeply and soundly, without the help of any crutch.

Of course, with goodbyes, come new beginnings. I said hello to help, acceptance and compassion, to new foods (yogurt? Who knew you were good), to larger portions (seriously, people eat this much every day? Really???) and to new friends. I’ve formed stronger bonds with the people in my life and I have discovered what it feels like to be truly present with my children. And, I’ve come to accept that I may not have a job to come back to; I may have to start a new career. A year ago, I would have said that this scared me more than anything. But, I now know that clinging to what was is futile because it no longer is. People move on, companies change…I’ve changed. After almost a year away (a year!!!!), I no longer value myself based on my work (past or future). I am my own jumble of pieces redefining my life puzzle. The work piece will probably be one of the last to be added but it will undoubtedly give a whole new shape to the picture. 

Several maybes exist in my life right now. Maybe I’ll start using my voice more often to assert myself. Maybe I will share myself more with others and feel the power of being understood again and again. Maybe I will turn this blog into something more. Maybe I will have a growth spurt at menopause instead of during puberty…no? Not medically possible? Sigh…

Well universe…I’m open to anything.