Life with an eating disorder (ED) is very much like being in a fun house. You live in a perpetual state of distortion: physical, emotional and cognitive.
Body image distortions are typical of someone with an ED. It can happen when you look in the mirror; you see chubby when others see bone. It can happen when you look at yourself in pictures. It can happen when you are in the shower or getting dressed and you feel a little extra flesh. To be honest, it can even happen when you look at others. Either you see them as thinner than they are and you are envious; or you see them as bigger than they truly are.
One of the hardest things for me during recovery has been feeling my body changing – feeling soft flesh where I used to feel taught skin. Even though my weight gain has been relatively small compared to my first recovery 10 years ago, I mourn the loss of my angular body daily. I curse the curves I feel appearing. I look at pictures of myself when I was at a healthy weight and I think: big. I didn’t at the time, but now I do. And even though I can see the nonsense of it all, I cannot seem to find the right lens to look through. And, unfortunately, until I do, I live my days pushing away the unease I feel with how I look, knowing that I have to keep eating while desperately hoping my vision corrects itself soon.
Then there are the emotional distortions. As an insecure, conflict avoiding overachiever, I’ve long developed a habit of keeping negative thoughts and feelings inside, pushing them away, swallowing them whole. Doing this has been my way of avoiding certain feeling and thoughts, and generally from dealing with s**t. Just keep swimming, Peiky. Don’t think; don’t feel; just…keep…swimming. I’ve found that if you do this enough, without realizing it, you become numb, out of touch with who you are, what you want and how you feel.
For example, I felt angry when I was really hurt, restless when I was really lonely and anxious when I was actually afraid. I’m still untangling all this but I have recently expanded my emotional vocabulary from the 5 emotions featured in the film Inside Out (anger, joy, fear, disgust and sadness) to well over 25 different feelings. Take that Pixar!
Then we enter the chamber of cognitive distortions. These are the most damaging in my opinion because they can be deeply rooted in your psyche and span all areas of your mind. While I’ve fallen victim to several of these, Black or White thinking is one of my “favorites”. Miss a meal, the day is a right-off so why bother trying; have a tough time at work, time to find a new job; someone hurts your feelings, they don’t care about you so cut them out; hit another car, you shouldn’t be driving…well… maybe that one is more a reality than a distortion. (Is this driving humor getting old? Cause I could go on forever)
I’m also great at overgeneralizing. I have fat, so I am fat. I was impatient with my girls, I am a horrible mother; I went on sick leave, I’m weak, washed up and no one will want me.
These are all thoughts I’ve had but know deep down are untrue. Still, when you live in the funhouse, you sometimes forget what is real. You need to be strong to keep your eyes and your mind in focus. Some days are more successful than others.
So, I continue my way toward the exit of this house of mirrors I made for myself. I know it will take time and I will take a wrong turn here or there. But, when I do find my way out, I will not leave empty-handed. I will be wiser, more confident, more relaxed about the things I cannot control (which, let’s be honest, is a lot)…
Oh! And I’m totally bringing the mirror that makes me look 6ft tall as a memento.
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