I grew up watching baseball. My mom was a fan and she passed her love for the game to her two girls. We went to games, listened to them on the radio and – as we got older and the Expos got better – we watched every game on TV. The 1992 season will forever be etched in my memory – a winning team poised for greatness but overcome by circumstances beyond its control.
Being in the Day Program is a bit like baseball meets Big Brother.
We all know that in baseball, three strikes, and you’re out. Not of the game, but of the inning. Well, the weight contract at the Douglas is similar. If you miss your weekly weight target 3 times, you are out (with a few exceptions). Not of the recovery “game” but of the daily program you have come to rely on. It may sound unfair, and maybe it is…but this is what I signed up for. These are the rules of the game.
I got my second red flag last week so I am feeling the pressure. Just like the third batter in the ninth inning, down by a run with two outs, I am in my own personal hot seat. Turns out that gaining weight is not a perfect science. If you try to control how much you gain, it can backfire…badly. I am 4 weeks in and despite my increased food intake, my weight has gone down, up and then down – back to my original starting point a month ago.
But, if baseball has taught me anything, it is this. It ain’t over, till it’s over!!
To boost my weight gain, I signed up for extra dessert portions (I believe this is a first for the Program) and I may add an extra item to my afternoon snack. And, this weekend, on the road, I was put to the test. My brain was a jumble of questions. Should I have a snack even if it is close to lunch? Yes. Should I have wine with dinner? Yes! Should I have dessert? Yes, Yes, Yes! Should I have ordered the gingerbread pancakes? God woman! Yes! What is the matter with you? Gingerbread!!!
For every yes, there is always a voice telling you: no. Or, warning you that you should restrict the rest of the day to compensate. You have to keep battling this way, at every meal, at every snack, at every thought. And then you have to try to trick yourself into kicking the restriction can further down the street, delaying rather than succumbing to the desire to cut back, hoping that if you keep telling yourself you can restrict later and then don’t, that the urges will eventually go away and later never comes.
There is also an element of Big Brother in the Day Program. You essentially live in a house, with a group of people you didn’t know beforehand, being watched by a team of people – not a production team but a health care team. Stressful situations occur for others to see, friendships are developed and broken and, every once in a while, there is a shock departure.
Last week, we saw three people leave the Program. And, even if we knew it was a possibility, I don’t think we were prepared for it when it happened. It is hard to watch people go when they so clearly want to stay and heal but their bodies struggled to follow a linear weight increase. It makes you angry, outraged, scared, sad and tired. You share the grief and fear of your soon-to-be departed friends and you wonder, selfishly, if you will be next. What will happen to them? What will happen to you? No one is left alone – without support or access to treatment – when they are asked to leave the Day Program. But, while I have not lived it yet, in the moment, I imagine you must feel the most alone you have ever felt.
If I strike out of the Day Program, I still have the Day Hospital as an option. Same place, same group, you just stay until 7:30 pm every day (instead of 3:30) in order to eat a carefully portioned dinner with dessert. Sure, it will be inconvenient and it is by no means my goal, but it is reassuring right now to have that as an option. Because, even though I pretend to be Wonder Woman, I know I have not earned my wristbands yet. Though I did buy a pair of booths recently that would make her jealous.
The road to recovery is bumpy, with speed traps, roadblocks and detours. It can sometimes feel like driving around in circles or in a dense fog. But it is one road I will not get off, no matter what happens at weigh-in tomorrow, in the Day Program or, if it comes to it, in the Day Hospital. I’ll keep driving and see where this path takes me. Fingers crossed I don’t hit anything along the way.
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